Sometimes you just know

Its funny hearing my dad say that to me on the phone, 1800 miles away, sitting in his office in NY, in between yelling at the dogs to stay in the yard. I can picture when my mom knew, sitting in a dorm room at RIT, my dad playing a sweet tune on his bass, and my mom feeding him popcorn by the handful. That is one of my favorite memories of my masters, when my mom came to visit me and she told me what it looked like 40 years ago when she was at school there.  The building I was taking classes in was just being built, and the dorm she was in is still exactly the same.  The smile on her face while reliving the memory was really a great moment in my life.
Sometimes you do just know.  My dad gave me one of his mini inspirational lectures this morning, telling me to look at the big picture and not what is just in front of you right now. Look at where you are, but also all of the wonderful people and things in your life. Maybe something is scaring you right now, or making you very sad, but try to look at the bigger picture.  Its ok to be sad, and maybe in disbelief that certain things are happening not like you had expected or want them to happen, but life is really great.
Life really is just great.  Even when you have a $614 school loan payment, it will work out.  Who gives a shit? As my dad says about my loans.  Who cares if I have to pay them forever by lowering the payment.  I'm going to just enjoy things as they come.  Enjoy things right now. I am in a great situation, and I need to appreciate it.  I know a lot of people that are in great situations.  Watching my friends fall in love out in Horseheads. Learning that another just got tenured up in Saranac Lake. Beautiful baby girls are growing up so great.  Selling your motorcycle for more than you thought you would get. So many great things happening. It just makes me smile. 

And yes dad, you're right. Sometimes you do just know...

Sometimes all you need is chocolate

Or to go on an awesome run.  Lungs burning. Heart pumping. Legs moving far faster than normal. Getting out all the unexpressable emotions that are trying to make themselves prevalent in everyday life. Then you get home and realize you've ran 4 miles which is farther than you've run in more than a year.
Sometimes all you need is to have a good day.  A day where things really seem to go right.  Perfect amount of sun and shade, weather that is just the right amount of wind and warmth.
Or maybe you just need a call from a best friend. Your first friend in high school and forever a best friend. 
Maybe that's just what I needed.

Experiencing the Extraordinary

This may or may not turn into a huge cycle of venting with these next lines that I type.  I have been trying to write it down in my journal but I have been having trouble picking up a pen.  Ava is asleep in her crib right now.  This sweet sweet baby who's sole goal in life is to eat as much as possible, sleep as much as possible, stare at things, poop right out of her diaper, and wait to pee until I am changing her, every time.  I've been spending all day with her since Monday.  Yup, this is day 4, and I already feel it.  This is why I didn't want to become a nanny when I came out here, the seclusion.  I spend so much time thinking about my future, money, loans... the list goes on.  The rest of the time I am signing, talking, dancing, and signing some more with this 6 month old baby.  I bet she could pick me up a guy in two seconds.  Its obvious that I didn't have her myself, all the other moms that I have met walking have noted how there was no way my body could look like this so soon.  I think they are just jealous of my knee socks. I bring her to the coffee shop, and for walks around the park, but who do I end up talking to? Mostly myself.  She isn't looking at me half the time, so all the words that are flying out of my hands become a conversation with myself.  She is too busy loving the outside world and all it has to offer.
It seems like things right now are just building up and up and up inside me.  I spent way to much time alone and dwelling in my own thoughts, that now I am having some trouble expressing them.  This summer was supposed to be about having a blast with my girl friends.  I saved up just enough to almost get me by, as long as I have a job. Well, its like plans can never go as they are supposed to, and I get caught going 12 miles over the speed limit, for an extra 200 dollars and 4 points, and then apparently I talked for 743 minutes on our 700 minute plan. The total for the month was 988 minutes, for a total bill of 295. Shoot me. And it was just as I was in the car starting to feel really down and shitty when my mom called me to tell me the verizon news.  That was the end of it, the flood gates opened.  Why am I even in Colorado right now?  I don't have an apartment, my school loans will start pouring in next month.  I don't have a real job. I'm supposed to be a grown up. I am unhappy right now.  The one person that I wanted to call who I thought would support me and just tell me that it was going to be ok was at work with his phone off.  I don't know if I can do it.
I don't know if I can hold on and stay strong, when it seems like the other side of the equation isn't reassuring me.  What happened to all the good times? I remember every second of every moment and how happy I was. Its like something is attacking me inside and I don't know how to battle it.  I want to go to my friends for help, but its so hard, and I don't want to put all of this on them. I don't want to be miserable all the time when this summer was supposed to be so different.  I guess I didn't plan on getting in a relationship. Maybe I should get out of it. I don't think I can do it.
I don't think I can stay strong and put in 110%. That's what it takes and I know that. I don't know what to do. I keep saying to myself that I want to go home, but what does that even mean? I just want to move somewhere and start my life.  Be established somewhere.  Make some friends who are interested in exactly what I am interested in. Play sports. Go running.  Do yoga. Meditate. Read good books, And Drink good coffee. I know a few places where I could start. I could pick up and go there and start my life, get a sweet job, meet some awesome people, be happy and fine. One of those places is Charleston.  It would be so amazing to move there. I have looked into it so much and checked out their school system, which is awesome. The night life. The people. The living situation.  It would all be great.  Get my own sweet ass apartment, decorate it with things I already have.  Buy a comfy bed.  Meet my next door neighbors. Start throwing sweet ass parties. Get in great shape. Feel great about myself. Maybe even fall in love. Everything would not go as planned of course, as things never do, but look at what I've done so far?
I moved to Australia and didn't know a soul. I instantly had two best friends, within a week met an amazing guy, by the end was blessed by a third best friend, and over 4 months met and made so many other friends by just being me.  They weren't even people in my program or people in my building.  I met them out, on the beach, the bars, running, flirting... And I did it on my own.
Got into a masters program where I didn't know anyone, didn't know sign language, and all anyone around me did was sign. I met some awesome people, got great grades, even had a boyfriend who happened to be deaf so my skills greatly improved, and again made a best friend.
Then there is Colorado last year, where I drove across the country to be in a living situation where I would know no one and in 3 months I was cruising, partying, and snowboarding with some awesome people.
Same in New Mexico, I even got an extra job coaching track. Got phone number after phone number every weekend at every track meet. I was fine. And I was pretty dang happy.
I would love to start somewhere fresh. Make my life my own without things catching up to get me.  I like that I have friends all over the country.  I want more.
I want more. That just reminded me of the book I just finished reading.  A Million Little Pieces. Fucking Phenomenal.  I swear on purpose because I mean it.  Yes, Yes, the author was on Oprah and she called him out on the majority or the story not being true, but holy crap, its still such a good book! I'm reading the sequel now, My Friend Leonard, also amazing.  I recommend you to read both, in order, you wont be disappointed. And if you are then that's stupid.
I guess I'm just a little messed up.  I've been living my life, and have been through some stuff, stuff that can mess someone up.  I have trust issues, I'm insecure, I just want to be loved.
I'm going to stay in Colorado until the end of July, and then I am going to move to Charleston, and I am going to move there for me.  No prerequisites. No pressure. No hard feelings. Just love. I like that. Just love. And Freedom.
Live Free - Breathe Deep.  I gotta take my own imprinted advice more often.

And that whole relationship thing? I'm just overreacting. I wouldn't get out of it for the world.  Long distance isn't my thing, but I am certainly willing to try.  I've made it a month so far, let's see if I can do two more.

Internal Struggles

I couldn't tell you how many times I have given people advice, or shared stories from my experiences in hope that I could help someone make a better decision themselves.  I think I am not the best at taking peoples advie though.  I love getting it though, and sitting down with friends and discussing things that we feel are of importance to us.  For right now the thing that seems to be popping up the most is relationships.  It quite possibly could be the only thing thats been talked about lately in all reality.  I'm head over heels for someone and just drove, by myself, in the car for close to 40 hours.  Now that is a lot of alone time with yourself.  So what do I do? Day dream. Wild, crazy, awesome, amazing day dreams. I basically planned out the next 20 years of my life and a million different ways on how everything could work out.  I just got some really good advice though... Be careful setting your expectations so high. You could end up setting the bar so far up that when reality happens, and has the potential to be perfect and amazing, you will still not be satisfied because it doesn't add up to that extra oridanarily amazing expectation that you had planned. Be happy with what you have and the opportunities that present themselves to you right now. And then when the time comes for those awesome amazing planned out things to happen, be happy with them. And if the time is right, and the person is right, then it will be perfect.

I always think so far in advance! Sometimes I really wish I would keep my mind in the here and now, but boy oh boy is that tough.  I know this summer is going to be so fun, but I really I just want to get going to the amazing stuff that I know is in store for me... I know its out there waiting and it is all just going to work out! And it is going to be great! so great.

Right now is great.  I'm at Sammy's alone with Scarlet. I figured Chelsea and Sammy should get some grocery shopping done alone.  Scarlet just woke up from a nap and now is dancing around the living room with me to Florence and the Machine. She's coloring and playing with her play set.  Its a perfect arrangement really, and I am so happy here with her.  I really should open up my own day care.  I just need an outlet to the outside world too... I just read an awesome email from Jordan, who should hopefully be surfacing in a day or so, cross your fingers! And tonight I am going up to Boulder to hang out with awesome people and celebrate a birthday. 

Take other peoples advice. Sometimes their advice may not be the best, but its good practice anyway.  Don't plan to much for the future.  Instead, just make your future happen. Make it the very best that you can, and I bet that will be pretty good

Metaphors

I'm excited to sleep in a real bed again. It is so nice here, and I am lucky to have friends like Sara. (their bed in the 2nd bedroom is basically like sleeping on a cloud) I hope in Colorado I have a real bed, not a couch or blow up mattress the whole time.  Did I ever tell you how important that is to me? I talked to Sara for a long time about it today.  What I want most in the world, other than a family and a happy marriage, is a bed of my own.  Over the last 6 years I haven't slept in the same bed for more than 4 months at a time, and never in those 6 years was it actually my bed.  Well, my bed at home is "mine" but it was passed down to me by an older sibling like 20 something years ago, so I don't think that really counts.  My beds in college were always some other college kids bed before mine, and my bed at my apartment that I had for a year, but moved home for 4 months during the summer, was also not my bed, it was someone's bed that they let me borrow.  So really my long life of beds is pretty non committal.  Sounds like a bad relationship. Wait, it is the same with my past relationships. 4 months was my longest, and probably the longest I've had a bed. Wow.  But I want that to change.  I want a real bed.  This summer will be my true test, and by the end of the summer I should know if I can purchase a real bed, my own real bed.  (I hope you are picking up my metaphor here...) But also the whole story about the bed is true too:)

Traveling

**Note** I took so many pictures, but they are on my i-product, and since I do not have wireless here I have no way of uploading them.  Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

So here I am in Missouri. I am at Sara's place in Rolla, its a super awesome apartment, two bedrooms, huge living room, great kitchen, two bathrooms, the works.  And probably pretty cheap too since we are in Missouri...

Traveling so far has been great.  I haven't written here at all because sadly, and honestly, I have been emailing Jordan so much that I just don't feel like typing any more.  I pretty much detail out my day for him and ask lots of (most likely annoying) questions, and talk about anything and everything.  Then I am done with typing and so my blog gets the short end of the stick.  Also, in case all you skeptics were wondering, I'm still going strong. Have faith in me!

Being at home is so rough for some reason.  I don't know why, but I just really struggle to be there. So I left.  I went to Albany/Ithaca/Cortland/Binghamton/Horseheads/Long Island for almost a week. Then I was home for only a day and left for Boston for three.  I love going to Boston.  I have the two best most interesting, funny, and awesome nephews. My niece is freaking adorable, and I could hold her and have her make faces and smile at me all day. While going to visit them is awesome, and I have my own room there, I also love hanging out with my sister, Angela, and Ben is great too.  We always stay up late talking and I share all of my stories with her.  Its awesome. I tried to convince her to talk to me about sex, it didn't work out as well as planned. I guess older sisters don't want to hear about their little sisters endevours.

I came home for about a day to pack up my life, and left again for Philly the next morning.  I got to spend two nights with Arin and Andrea, which again was awesome. I drove down and met them out with some of their friends, and then took the train to see Sean's band play at the World Cafe.  Super awesome place.  The band was amazing, I totally enjoyed it, and am now equipped with two of their cds to listen to on my journey.  The band is called Full Service, and I advise everyone to look them up and have a listen.  Each song is different from another, and they are all cool in their own way.  Sean plays the bass which is super cool and reminds me of when I used to see my dad play with his siblings.  Its been a while since I have seen that though.  I got to play whiffle ball the next day with the band which was SWEET! I can't wait to live somewhere and make friends and do cool stuff like that.  I guess they are always playing pick up games of soccer, volleyball, whiffle ball you name it, and I am just so jealous.  I had so much fun playing, and it made me miss organized sports really really bad. Even being on the road on tour these guys always make time to work out and have fun.  Exercising in different ways is so important, and it made me want to go to a plain old gym so much less.

I left Philly after a good night of hanging out with Arin (we didn't go out for Cinco De Mayo) and started my way across the country.  It was Sunday and apparently the camp site that I was planning on staying at was closed.  I decided to make it more fun for myself and instead drive when I wanted, take naps, and take long breaks.  I cruised through Pennsylvania, and then Ohio, and then West Virginia (which was like a flash), and then into Indiana.  I decided to sleep in my car at a rest stop on i-70 just outside of Indianapolis.  I think it was pretty safe, I didn't feel scared all night, and in a red prius next to me there were two people sleeping also.  I am assuming it was two girls because about every hour or so all night I would here the beep beep beep of their car being locked, but I never heard a door close.  Must have been scared that it magically unlocked itself during the night.

I woke up to a beautiful pink sunrise, and snapped a few photos with the truckers in the background.  I wanted to beat the traffic into Indianapolis so I departed and listened to a Stuart Woods novel on cd.  Oh Stone Barrington, you scandalous man you. I had an awesome time at a rest stop in Illinois where I did 5 rounds of push ups and dips on a bench, did a lot of jump rope, and read a bunch of my book.  I want to hula hoop during my next set of travels which begins tomorrow.  I was too embarrassed so far to do it, but I need to get over that.  I am not normally a shy or easily embarrassed person, but sometimes it just strikes me rough.  I drove sweaty the rest of the way to Missouri and here I am now.

Sara and I went to some wineries today and bought some awesome wine.  We drove into Herman, MO which is a beautiful place on earth. On the way we passed a turtle making his way across the road.  Yes, we turned around and I jumped out and saved the poor little guy. We are watching We Bought A Zoo, really great movie, and then waking up to do some sunrise yoga.  Then I have to hit the road.  Tomorrow is gonna be a long day.

To traveling... cheers

Blogging about a keg ba que

I love my friends. The lovely woman in the middle is katina an I just met so many other people. I've been drinking since 4. After a 5 hour trip to get here, it's still totally worth it! Going on a bar crawl soon :) I love my life

Traveling makes me tired

Seriously. I'm exhausted right now!! It's fun to visit all my friends and see so many people in such a short time, but it's totally wearing me out.
I wish my I product would allow me to turn it sideways when I blog. It's so annoying that I can only type with it up right when I tend to mess up a whole lot more.
My brain is tired right now so in seeing cross eyed. Probably not good. I'll write more again when I have my laptop. Much more efficient :)

Underway

Jordan left this morning for a 3-4 week underway, so we will only be able to email for that entire time. It will certainly make time go faster, and then when he gets back it will only be a month and a half or so before I get to see him in Charleston. That trip should be awesome with tons of celebrating and exploring a new place.

Two of the bestest friends I will ever have

By that time I will be in Colorado also, and Heather will definitely help me keep my shit together.  We have two scheduled concerts already, and I have a race scheduled with Geoff in the mountains.  I'll be able to spend quality time with Sammy also, which will be amazing, and to be a part of her daughters life too.  I hope I can help her with babysitting and dinner so she can go out on dates!

Also, Keysa is coming out for two weeks, and we have a big trip planned out through Utah and down to Arizona and the Grand Canyon.  That will definitely be a fantastic time.  I am not exactly sure what my living arrangements are yet, but hopefully I wont be doing too much sleeping in my car.  I have some great friends out in Colorado, so I better get some good cuddling!

After a night on the town.  You can tell we're party animals...

At China Man's Hat, with the ridge line of the volcano behind us

Its gonna be hard not hearing his voice for so long...

Eating Healthy

Salad, salmon, lemon, and ginger root

 I went into Saugerties and hit up the library to make copies of my certifications and test scores, and then finally mailed them off.  Hopefully I get some sort of news sooner than later about the job.
After that I went to Price Chopper to buy some lunch/dinner items.  Its really not that much more expensive to buy the yummy healthy items at the store, plus it fed my mom, dad, and me.  Mom had homemade black-cap vinegar which made a great dressing.  That was at 3 and I'm still not hungry.  Except I know I will be starving at like 10 again, but totally worth it. 
I wonder what I'll make for food tomorrow?

I meant to take a picture before I started it, but it was too yummy!

Impatience is killing me

I am patient is the thing.  I'm super patient with little kids, and patient in the car, even in traffic.  But impatience these days is driving me nuts.  Hopefully time will go fast and it will get better.  Katina says it will, so I am sure it must be true.  Cassie says I'll get used to it, so I am sure that is true too.

I spent the weekend with Cassie and her family.  What a cool family.  Always asking if you need something else, or if everything is good.  There was a Kuerig in the house so I had as much tea, coffee, and hot chocolate as I wanted too.  That was awesome.  And it works so fast!  I love hot drinks, they never hurt my teeth, so being able to have them whenever is awesome.  Maybe I will get one of those someday when I have my own place :)

I need to make a plan or a schedule.  I don't like having all day with nothing really to do.  A lot of people I know would love sitting in front of the tv, or just vegging out, but then there are those other people, the ones that I happen to be closer with that would get stir crazy.  I really like yoga.  It kinda forces you to sit still and rest your mind.  My mind is always trying to race off to some other place, no matter what pose your in, and its so nice when it goes quiet for a second.  Peace.  No thinking about the future, just quiet. 

I'm going to hula hoop tomorrow.  And jump rope.  Throw in some double-unders for sure.  Before that I am going to finish printing all of  my things for Charleston and send them in.  I should check on Boulder and see if there is anything else I need to do for that school district.  I should just keep sending random stuff in so I stay on top of their piles.

Be patient.  Take a deep breath. 

Enjoying what you have - Don't take it for granted

Let me start with saying that there are over 100 people who read my blog.  That is just so cool.  There are people from 5 different countries, of course most from the US, but still, super awesome and it makes me feel like I should write something worth while.

I'm at Cassie's Aunt Beth's house for the night, so that we can wake up early and enjoy the day tomorrow, do some yoga, get massages, and spend some necessary time with her awesome grandpa.  How is it possible that you can be so healthy, take care of yourself, eat right, work out, do awesome things for other people, live a great life, do amazing deeds, and still have something that takes you earlier than necessary.

Life is so confusing that way, and I just don't really understand it.  I never really knew my grandparents, and have really never known anyone very well that has died.  I guess I haven't really been to too many funerals, and even if I have, its always been for someone that I wasn't really that close with.  I struggle to wrap my mind about it, so in turn I get very awkward when I am in situations when people are talking about it.  I never know what to say.  Thank goodness for hugs, because I have found that to be a good way to escape things, I hope I can keep it like that, and not say the wrong thing in the wrong situation.
What I am getting at here is that I need to enjoy what is given to me a lot more.  I feel like I am cheating the system by all of the things I have been able to do, and all of the things in my future.  I wish that everyone could appreciate the now instead of dreading it.  Who knows what is going to happen today tomorrow or next week.

My original plan for this post was to talk about Hawaii.  A lot of people have been asking me about Why I  left Hawaii, Why I didn't stay, and Will I go back? Well here is the long and the short of it.  I left because I knew this summer in Colorado will be amazing, and I just felt it was my time to go. I would love to go back and visit, but I don't think that I would ever move there, or stay for longer than I already did.  I noticed after a very short time that I wasn't necessarily appreciating what I had right outside my door.  I think this would be the problem with living in Hawaii.  Where do you vacation when you live in paradise?  I loved it loved it there, don't get me wrong, but I loved it there for some very important reasons.  My awesome sister, a new best friend and an amazing boyfriend that found me.  I loved it there because there are SO many things to do, and I would continue to do as many things as possible, but let's be realistic, I was unemployed for the last month that I lived there.  Once you are employed time seems to slip away, you no longer can just go out any time of day for a hike, and convincing your sister to call in sick from work means you also would have to call in sick. Weekends are then your only free time, and it is definitely hard to get yourself out to the beach every weekend.  Weird I know, all of you mainlanders are saying.  But that is true business.  I think I went almost a month with out enjoying the full beauty of Hawaii's finest beaches (which is .5 miles from my apartment) and that was only because I was exhausted from working about 14 days straight and then 11 more after that.  March was rough as you can tell from my inability to blog.  I guess what I am saying, to all of you who ask me why I am back in NY and not in HI, I may look like I belong there, and totally fit the blonde, surfer babe part, but its just not my home.  I need to make myself a home. I want a bed. That bed is in my future, and I see it coming!

Words of wisdom from Aunt Beth - Don't bring drama into your life.  Just live in the here and now, and don't worry so much about the future.  When the future comes you can handle it and embrace what comes. -  I have been worrying so much about the end of this summer and where I will get a job.  I have been working my butt off for the applications to Charleston to be 100% complete and sending in all of my necessary stuff.  Apparently I am still missing a few things and I am so worried that is going to ruin my chances of getting a teaching job there.  That would be worst thing.  But really what am I so nervous about?  I am ecstatic after a 20 minute conversation with a certain someone and giggle the entire time.  I shouldn't be so worried about what the end of this summer will bring.  Maybe I will get hired, maybe I wont.  If I don't, I shouldn't even worry, I'm Anna Banana and I will get a job no matter what.  Like Aunt Beth said, I'm just gonna live in the now and enjoy it, and see what it brings me :)

Effort

I noticed that the date says friday april 20th. I'm confused so just clarifying. It's actually Wednesday April 25th:).

So it turns out that my current writing effort seems to be going more into Jordan's emails than my blog. Interesting! I made it to Albany yesterday and today I'm staying with Allyson. So super great to be able to just show up at my friends houses and feel like we haven't missed a beat. Turns out she's been living with Tony for two years. Two years! Where have I been?? And she gets her masters totally finished in two weeks. Wowza. I feel like ive been missing so much lately. Well technically I have. So its so nice to have friends that accept my excuse "I was across the country" it's no lie really.

So let's talk about showers. Have you ever realized how many different types of showers there are?? So many! And I'm just talking about the shower head here. Ones that are soft and some that spray super hard. Some that spray wide and others that only get you in one area. But then there is this type I just encountered. It's like a mist, and it doesn't feel hot by the time it hits your body. It even creates wind in the shower. Like a super powerful mist. Hmmm what can I relate that to, like getting sprayed in the face by a garden hose when it has all those different settings like my moms and one is I think called must, but all you want it to take a drink from it, but instead it just sprays you in the face and kinda hurts. Yeah, like that.
I prefer a shower like Mary's where it is like a jet stream and pounds you in the head at full blast, stays warm or even hot the whole time, and washes your hair out super fast! Yeah, those were awesome showers I took out there. I don't like the weak kind that barely do anything and your just chillin waiting for the water to rinse you off. Takes way to long. Did I mention that I hate showering to begin with? Call me weird but I've always disliked it. I'm just being picky now for sure:)

understanding the un-understandable

Its definitely pretty hard being home because I just don't get my parents.  OK, so we have these three massive dogs here, and they are pretty dumb, I mean like super dumb.  They knock plants over all the time, and jump on things and I caught one curled up on the reclining chair today.  These aren't like house pets, they are big, furry, smelly, nasty, huge dogs.  The biggest one sticks his excessively long nose all up in your private space all the time and wants to smell your butt.  He would get right up on in there for a better sniff if he could.  They don't even actually have real names, because apparently my mom couldn't decide what to call them every time she got a new one.
 I stick with Black dog, White dog, and Brown dog, and Rob has been calling them Brown Lassie, White Lassie, and Black Lassie.  All appropriate names.  I was having trouble because my mom tried to name the brown one Doobie which is the name of our last dog who died in a very sad car accident.  I am sticking with the claim that you do not name your next dog after your last dog. Not cool.  AND instead of brushing them herself, she takes them to get groomed...  weird.  I remember her doing that while I was growing up, its not like there is less free time and more money to be had, so I am not really sure how this is possible.

Really I'm just venting about the dogs because my dad doesn't want them in the house or near the house or in our possession at all really, and my mom wants them in the house spending quality time with her like watching tv and eating dinner and reading.  I get stuck in the middle with one telling me to let them in and the other telling me to keep them out.  I don't like being put in the middle of things.  What I hate more is super loud barking dogs early in the morning.  I feel like everyone in God's country can here them barking and that it must be annoying to the neighbors and embarrassing for us.  Then my mom will yell at them to stop barking which only adds to the noise and does not make them stop barking. haha oh coming home to your parents.  All the stuff I love getting away from is always put on a platter in front of me when I get back.  I would be ok with it if it didn't seem like I had to take someones side in the whole dog thing.  I'm pro animals, but it would be better if they were trained, had names, and weren't stickin their noses in my space.
Rob came over for a dinner that I cooked which was cool and then we went for a walk deep into the woods to check out all of the trees that had fallen and broken in the storm this past summer.  We talked for hours about our relationships and how confusing they can be at times.  He has an awesome girlfriend, but boy is she a tough one to understand sometimes.  I'm glad we have each other to talk about that stuff with.  Its nice to have a guys perspective instead of only my girlfriends.
I need to start going to bed earlier, I was all tucked in at 9, but here I am at 11 again.  At least I am reading an awesome book "The Bean Trees" super duper good. Everyone should read it!

Holy Crap I'm Sad

I made it back home safely last night after about 24 hours of traveling.  Well I was in the same clothes for 24 hours...

Yummmmm Breakfast!

Sun burn on the belly

I spent an amazing last day with my two favorite ladies, waking up at 5 to go see my last Hawaii sunrise, and then sitting for two hours to talk about our Colorado-Utah-Arizona road trip. I got a fantastic breakfast made for me, and then the three of us hung out on the beach to catch some serious Hawaii rays. "I tan like a lobster" as Mary says.  She better be careful about those amazing lines of burn from spraying sunscreen just carelessly enough!

I think Minnesota

Jordan met us at 5p.m. crossFit and Eric let me make up my own WOD because it was my last crossFit. 15 AMRAP of 500m run, 10 pull ups, 10 Thrusters at 45#, and 10 Double Unders.  Holy shit HARD! I made it 3 full rounds and a run.  I was fully packed almost from Sunday, and just needed to add a few more items to be completely packed.  I said some super sad good byes, and then Jordan drove me to the airport.  And thank God because there was no way I could have hauled my bags alone.  We got there at 8:15 for my 8:50 flight, and apparently they had already closed the ticketing. I got in line to buy a ticket for later, and heard someone on a walkie talkie saying that they were missing one person for the Seattle flight.  I yelled out "That's me!!!!" and somehow not only got on my flight, but also was not charged $90 extra for my super heavy bag, was stamped a gold member so I skipped the security line, and had my huge over stuffed carry on checked underneath the plane.... for free.  Boom sauce.  Saying goodbye to Jordan super sucked, and was super rushed.  I kept looking back while sending all my stuff through the scanner and wishing I wasn't leaving him.  I almost told him I loved him, which I am not sure if that is totally 100% true yet, and just wanted to run and leap over the turnstile to give him one more hug.  It has never been so hard to leave someone, and I didn't stop crying until I fell asleep on my first flight.  I woke up with my head on the old man's shoulder next to me and my leg pressed against his, totally invading his personal space... woops!  He wished me good luck in life when the flight was over.

sunset from an airplane

 Robert came and picked me up from Newark. Best idea ever, because we never run out of stuff to talk about, and we could start planning our cross country trip together to Colorado.  We met up with Katina at the Astoria Beer Garden, another amazing idea, both the beer garden and Katina.  She talked to me about boys while Rob was on the phone, and with him we chatted about anything.  It kept my mind off leaving which was great, but I knew the sad thoughts were lurking somewhere.
Today I woke up at 11:30, technically not late, but the latest I have slept since before Hawaii for sure.  I didn't go to sleep until after 2, so that barely counts as sleeping in.  I got to hang out with my dad for a bit, and he made me breakfast, then my mom came home and she made me coffee.  Best parts about coming home.  Then I started on my room.  It was like 2 in the afternoon, and now its 11 at night...  There was a delicious dinner in between, but I guess I didn't realize exactly what was still in my room.  I hadn't even brought my suitcases upstairs yet.  I went through my room in a circular pattern, starting somewhere near my bed and just going through everything.  I found a lot of cool old stuff, including some love letters from high school which made me smile with the memories and silly things we used to talk about.  I threw away all of my old magazines that are for teenagers, and went through all the knick knacks that I have been hoarding.  Well, most of them. I even got a shelf or two cleared off which was necessary, and made a huge pile of clothes to send to Mary because I know they are things that she and Keysa will wear.  I still have a shit load of clothes, at least 3 times as much as Mary, so I know I need to part ways with some more.  Its just so freakin hard!  Maybe after this summer when I am getting my own apartment and will need to have less stuff.
So I got through my room, and then it was time to work on the suitcases and put my clothes away.  I opened them up, got my socks and underwear in drawers and then just started bawling. Like my mouth hurt because I wouldn't open it, but it wanted to open so bad to just cry.  I am so sad that I am not with my sister anymore.  I don't want to put my clothes back in my drawers here.  I know its only for a few weeks, but I can't even stand thinking about that transfer from Hawaii to here. I had to stop.  I'm considering leaving all of my stuff in my suitcases for now, at least until I can do it with out so much emotions.
 I didn't realize I could possibly miss someone so much.  Like I have been sad before, even pretty depressed at times, but what I feel right now is pretty awful.  My teeth are clenched together and I have a lot of tension running through me.  I know I will see Mary again soon, and she's my sister so she will always love me.  And Keysa is coming to visit me in May, so I know I will see her soon too.  But leaving Jordan super sucks.  I know it must be something special if I am so dang upset about it, but jeez, is it necessary?  He told me I will see him no later than July, but WAHHHHH! I don't want to wait that long.  Its for sure strange to go from seeing someone everyday to a huge gap of nothingness.
 Ugh its like leaving Australia in that aspect, except I knew I would never see Anthony again, which was ok because our relationship ran its little course, and we knew it would end that way.  I'm happy to see he is happy and engaged now to a high school sweet heart, and that my sadness after leaving there may not have only been for him but for the whole place.  I definitely feel a sadness for leaving Hawaii.  Its easier though because my mom is always bringing it up, which is instead making me angry, so I am not as sad about it.  Yes, I have anger issues when it comes to my mom.  I have made it approximately 18 hours, and have still not fought with her.
I don't know how long I can stay home-home.(I call my parents house home-home because I have a different "home" every 3 -5 months, so I like to keep things specific, especially when I am signing).  I think I need a Boston visit with my nephews and new niece.  I'll help Angela out around the house, hold the babe, stay up late talking with Ang, and hang out with my boys.  Win-win for me.

home-home

I'm definitely still on Hawaii time, as I just got hungry for dinner, even though I already ate dinner a few hours ago. hmmmm that must have been lunch.  Til tomorrow and more pictures, and hopefully some laughter and smiles too.

*Live Free - Breathe Deep*

 I was obviously spending a lot of time with Jordan :)  He was on leave for two weeks, so that made it pretty easy! Now that he is back to work I have been able to go on a few adventures all by myself.  Allow me explain more....

 

Yesterday was my going away party.  I get overwhlemed with a lot of people around... I know, you wouldn't always know that, so it was fun, but I got exhausted.  I got some AWESOME going away things though, like shot glasses, and salt and pepper shakers.  Keysa and Mary made me this amazing poster collage of a lot of my pictures from while I was here, and oh boy did I do a lot!

We went on a cool hike called Likeke in the morning, which I had never done, so that was cool that I got to do one more new hike before I left, then we went home and packed up my stuff :( Glad I got it out of the way though.

Saturday was my last full day with Jordan.  It was perfect, nothing crazy or special, just stuff that we like to do.  Which made it even better because it was what we both wanted to do, not what he 'thought' I wanted to do.  mmmm I'm gonna miss Mochi Ice cream.  And Teddy's Bigger Burger! haha After a two hour hammock nap, and a walk on the beach our day was coming to a close. I was super happy which is so important because when I was leaving Australia I was devastated.  That was so hard, and is still hard to think about today and makes my stomach hurt.  I'm glad I have so many good things to look forward too.  Like Jak said, "I'm fluid, I could go anywhere"

Friday was the Sub ball - so super awesome.  Mostly we just did a photo shoot on our hotel Lanai, enough said.

But Friday morning I had my FINAL dentist appointment for my front tooth, for now.  3 1/2 hours.  3 trips of Novocaine. WAH! But now I have a beautiful front tooth!

Thursday, Mary was sick from school, but she felt better in the afternoon so she took me the beach to play.  Pineapple Ice cream from the Dole Plantation is AMAZING!

Wednesday I has my second dentist appointment, was totally numbed up, the whole left hand side of my face - then I went straight to get a tattoo.  Boom sauce.

Wednesday night I got to spend some well deserved time with Inch.  We didn't get to do yoga on the beach, but we did get to spend some quality time talking about life, listening to music, and stealing nail polish.  We stood out by the ocean and talked about how to be happy out here, even when things seem to be at there most miserable. Its nice to be reminded that everyone should find something to look forward to everyday. Even if that thing is not going to happen that night, it should happen in the near future, and you should be able to look forward to it.  Maybe a new yoga class, or a running club that you joined and enjoy the people.  I like to look forward to going to crossfit or waking up early enough to be able to go see the sun rise up above the horizon.  I look forward to the next time I see my friends or my next move.  Right now I am looking forward to Sub Ball with Jordan, Keysa, and Chuck, and then my going away festivities on Sunday.  I'm going to hike the pillboxes tomorrow morning after sunrise and maybe read my book up there, just one last time. 

What are you looking forward to right now? Dinner? That's cool.  Cuddling with your certain someone tonight? I love it.  Think of something and make it happen, don't be where you are and be unhappy. 

Emotional Anna is in Action

Why do I always get like this?  Its nothing new at all, and I totally saw it coming - the random crying and being upset for no reason.  Yeah sometimes I have totally valid reasons for being upset, but then there are other times, like some today, when there is no reason for me to be sad, and all I want is to be home wrapped in my blankie.  Which is where I am now, and I feel much better.
Interestingly enough Alec called me yesterday to ask me how I was doing.  I haven't talked to him in a while, but he knew I would be getting sad right about now before I leave.  It sucks that this lasts over a week before I go, and I know I will continue to be sad after I leave.  I mostly hate when I take it out on the wrong people, especially those who only know me so well, and aren't really sure how to deal with me. 
I know how I 'should' be feeling right now though.  My feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't try to control them, I should embrace them.  I should appreciate all of the awesome things I have in my life right now.  Let's make an 'I appreciate' list so that I feel better. No matter how big or small, whatever you appreciate you appreciate, and you should not let anyone take that away from you.  Things I appreciate:
My sister and being able to confide in her and hang out with her and cook with her and help her out with stuff in the house or getting in shape or just smiling more often.
Jordan and how he smiles at me.
Hanging out with Keysa and being able to just show up at her place late at night and invite me in and how we can share clothes and knowing she is coming to visit me in Colorado.
Titus, cause he loves me and sits under my chair whenever I'm home to keep me company.
Being able to hike whenever I want to and see awesome beautiful views.
Getting to cook awesome delicious dinners with people.
Being invited to sub ball, and having so many awesome women volunteer to go shopping with me.
Eating Nutella straight out of the jar.
My hammock.
CrossFit and how sore it makes me.
How super blonde my hair has gotten and tan my skin is.
I'm in maybe the best shape I have ever been in.
I have money in the bank.
I get to sit and drink coffee everyday.
I have a really awesome pair of sunglasses that the ocean has not managed to steal from me yet.
Surfing with Keysa.
The fact that the word Keysa is not in spell check so her name always gets underlined.
I get a new front tooth on Wednesday.
I get to see some of my best friends in Colorado super soon, and they are all super willing to take me in and let me crash at their places.

I have no idea what the future holds.  I think that is actually scaring me a whole lot, which is what is making me cry.  I have just a general plan, but I truly have no idea.  What, I'm just going to pack up my car and head out west?  Sleep in my hammock and tent for a while?  I wish Alec was getting out of school earlier so that we could travel together.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about night time by myself.  I wish I would finish my applications to schools, but I don't know where I am going to be this fall.  I would love to be able to have a sure answer of that, but I think that is just not in the cards right now.  WHY am I even worried?!?! I know it will work out, and I will get a job, and an apartment, and a real bed, and maybe even a dog! and it will be great.  Just as great as my run on sentences.  And as great as the ridge line hike that Jordan and I did yesterday.  Super scary in the clouds, but over all an amazing 6 1/2 hour experience.  Today is his last day off, and then he's back to work.  I'll have a lot of alone time next week, so we will see how my emotions hold. I think I'll be ok.  I have to be, because crying is fine.  Its just the way I am.  A super sensitive kid who likes to dress funny and talk way to much, and make the most out of things.

Boat Ride to A Sand Bar after a 3 a.m. Attempt at Heaven

Now wouldn't it be awesome if there was actually a real bar out on the Sand bar???  That would be so sick!!  Jordan rented a boat so that 10 of us could enjoy a 4 hour trip out in Kaneohe Bay to the sand bar.  Its awesome looking at the sand bar when you are driving on the highways up above, but even better when you are out there playing football in the middle of the ocean.  Super crazy how the currents make it just right to keep all this sand in one place, where during low tide it gets so shallow that you can lay out on the sand!  It was so great that my sister and Nate were able to come.  I like spending time with them, it will be sad when I can't just whenever I want anymore.  Titus and Gizmo came and gave quite the show in the water.  It was such a fun relaxing day!  Jordan even let me drive on the way home, that was awesome :)  My favorite part was when we stopped after the water got deep and super dark blue and jumped in.  The water was so clear and refreshing.

At 2:40 a.m.  I woke up Keysa and Mary so we could go meet up with Chuck and Jordan to do the stairway to heaven hike.  We got there at about 3:50 and the security guard was already there. He turned us away, and denied our entrance to Heaven. So frustrating.  We turned around and followed the old road under H3 all the way to the H3 tunnels.  Then we decided since it was only 4:30 that we should still get to see the sun come up. We drove to the Lanikai Pillboxes and hiked the whole thing after watching a sunrise that was very cloudy.  It was still awesome though because the 5 of us were just sitting on one of the bunkers talking and laughing.  I decided I was going to name my first child Leviticus after the book in the bible, and we met a kid who had slept there all night who was quite hilarious also.  Even though it was windy and cold, it was an awesome beautiful morning.  Followed by a nice hike to the end where I got to spend more time with my sister.

We were home by 8:30 in the morning, and had already been up for 6 hours, and still had 4 more hours til the boat.  I watched some Bones while Jordan went to crossFit and did a double crazy 21-15-9 workout.  I crashed at exactly 8 p.m. and almost slept through the night.  Oh! but that was after the most AMAZING dinner hand crafted by Keysa and I.  Salad with lots of greens, orange cherry tomatoes, and strawberries, okinawa sweet potatoes with coconut milk, and lemon, garlic, ginger salmon.  Holy bajoolie yum!

Talk about being Happy

Two weeks left.  Crazy how fast time goes.  I've been here for five months.  I'm barely ever home anymore though.  Jordan and I have been doing crazy amounts of activities lately because his friend is visiting from Maryland.  We've packed in so much fun stuff into not enough time!  The only problem with that is that time has been going by really fast. So my days seem really short, even though I've been waking up between five and six everyday.  Yesterday was Jordan's birthday and it was a freakin blast.  We had an awesome breakfast, both guys got to nap, pb and j for lunch, a hike to a waterfall where Tim got to jump off, a really nice fancy dinner, and then out to a cool ass bar call Rum Fire where I had a Lava Flow delicious concoction!  Yum!

Its a cool feeling being sure of yourself with someone.  Feeling super comfortable, and knowing that you can say whatever on your mind (which I do anyway) and not have to worry about that person judging you in a rude, mean, or upsetting way.  Its not very often when you are able to just be yourself.  You know how at school you have to be proper, can't say the wrong things in front of other teachers, or let them think that you don't know as much as they do. When I was at the bar I wasn't necessarily on my best behavior, it was more that I had to be more accepting of things that I might not normally be comfortable with.  Luckily I could dress exactly how I wanted to with bright colors, spandex shorts, and knee socks.  Even at crossfit I feel like I have to act tougher than I am.

Actually it seems like every place I move I am a little different part of me.  The way I dress most specifically, not so much how I act.  I display the different sides of me.  Pants in Rochester, dresses at home, spandex in Hawaii, teachers clothes in New Mexico, anything but normal clothes in Australia.  I like the me that is here.  I like how I feel in what I wear and how comfortable and confident I am in what I am wearing.

I like how comfortable and confident Jordan makes me feel. Its pretty awesome actually.  It makes me wonder what I was doing with some of the past guys that I was dating...  Ones that didn't make me feel appreciated, or weren't trying to impress me after the first few days. Its not that easy to win someone over, its kind of like a lifetime thing.  Make them feel awesome forever and they should (or at least I will) treat them accordingly.  Relationships are a two way street.  Why would you not want to do a million and one awesome things for the person you are with?  Why would you instead get in a huge fight with them because they dont want to stay out as late as you, and they didn't bring you any beer home?? (this weekends discoveries of bad relationships 101) Treat other people how you want to be treated.  As Momma Gena has taught me, "If you are confident in your body, feel great in what your wearing, you emit an aura of awesomeness and people will notice.  If your man calls you a goddess and treats you like one then the way you treat him will make amazing results."  And then time together will be that much better.

Jordan is the first mature guy I've been with, and he has his shit together.  Oh boy oh boy I'm excited!

On another note, Take life how it comes and enjoy it.  You only live once, so if on your birthday you want to go on a hike instead of the gym then freakin enjoy it.  Whats more memorable; going to the gym, which you do everyday, or hike to a beautiful waterfall deep in the woods.  If you want to eat brownies for breakfast one day, fuck it, get right on in there! If a movie sounds really good and your bed is looking extra comfy, just enjoy it.  Life goes so fast, and you'll find yourself working really hard, especially sometimes at jobs that you don't really even enjoy. Enjoy the time off, and smell the warm breeze around you.  As the great poet Keysa once said, "Life is a marathon, not a sprint."  Take it slow and look around.  You might find something exciting, or even the "one" :)

Flight tickets home

Leaving Monday night the 16th, getting in Tuesday night.  Have a friend picking me up from the airport in Newark, then heading up to Saugerties. Plan on leaving New York on the 19th.  Let's see how all this pans out...