Mad at Myself

South Carolina is awesome, I love it here.

Teaching math on the other hand? Not so awesome

I know, I know, its my first week.  But I don't even know where to start! What should I teach tomorrow in Geometry?  I have been working non stop on lesson plans, but for some reason I can't seem to get anywhere.  I need to plan for 90 minute classes, and I can't seem to fill up the time.  I need to get back to work and focus, I just wanted to update here and hope that writing it out will get it out of my mind and just let me focus.

Charleston rules, definitely a good decision to move here.

Welcome to SC

Woke up in the middle of the night because a roach was crawling on my face. That's right a cock roach!!!!!! I didn't realize it at first because it was a part of my dream, but I grabbed it and threw it off at the far wall. I slept the rest of the night with the light on. This morning the guy was belly side up in the bathroom, which is connected to my room with an open door. I picked him up and he was still moving! Yuck!! Flushed his creepy crawly ass down the toilet. I can't wait til my bed comes on Saturday so I don't have to sleep on the floor in roach zone.

Having trouble putting it into words

I've had a very interesting last two weeks.  To say the least.
Finding out who I am, and who is important to me.
Finding out what means more to me, and what I should be focusing on, or spending my time on.

Charleston was great.  I felt like I ruled that place; rolling on interviews and meeting amazing people.
I was offered two jobs.  Like not just offered, but begged to accept the position because they "couldn't let me go".

I found out that I have been 'wasting my time' on something for a while, and allowing my chest to hurt and my heart to ache for 3 months.  Why do I let myself fall into such traps?  In everything I do.  I pour my heart into something, only for it to not be reciprocated on the other end of the spectrum.  The thing is, you have to learn from it, grow from it, and change that small piece to make you into a better person, while not being fooled by someone else.  Maybe in the past you were annoying by calling all the time, and bugging the other person. Well, fix it.  Maybe you were too scared to express your feelings, so you just led them on and let them believe that you still liked them, and instead just hurt their feelings way more months later.  OK, so grow up, and don't do that anymore.  You can't just say, "well, that's who I am, and I do stuff like that." No.  Learn from it, and get better before next time. You don't have to go around breaking hearts or even causing the slightest bit of pain from not being able to properly express yourself.
I know that I am good at leading people on.  I was notorious for it back in the day, but guess what? I don't do it anymore.  I try to open myself up, or at least allow the other person to know where I am coming from.  I can't date right now.  I'm leaving.  How many times have I said that? I actually have lost count.  I feel like I am always leaving.  My great friend Sara once expressed it to me that she felt like she was always leaving people, always leaving home, leaving college, leaving friends as soon as you become close with them.  I certainly feel that here.  Leaving Chelsea, leaving Sam, and most importantly leaving Scarlet.
Now, I am not saying I had my heart broken.  I knew a while ago that things were clearly not working out, and I was not surprised by the way things ended.  But still for some reason it hurt so bad. A pain in my chest and in my stomach telling me that I needed some closure, needed to know where it went wrong.
A lot of great things have happened this summer.  A lot of things I am really proud of, and a lot of people I am really glad to have met and made such wonderful relationships with. I am glad that I made it through this summer and my interviews.  By the way, I felt amazing in my interviews.  I have never felt more proud of myself and the achievements that I have made in the last 6 years.  I guess I didn't realize how many different jobs I have had, and how many kids lives I have touched.  Being able to share my stories of my favorite experiences and have someone tell me that what I have done is incredible is beyond me.  I never thought that a school would be fighting to have me as a teacher. To be offering me extra incentives to choose that school over the other one.  I felt freaking amazing in Charleston.  I can't wait to be there.

I am having a hard time saying goodbye to people here.  I might just peace out.  Not say goodbye, just leave.  I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings towards people, and really telling them how it is and how I feel. I am excited to go home.  I'm excited to see those people at home.  I'm excited to sleep in my bed.  But I am way more excited to sleep in my brand new bed in Charleston.  Its gonna be great

Wherever You Go; There You Are

Wherever you go... I go a lot of places.  There you are...  Here I am.

Here I am. I am in Denver, Colorado.  I have been back and forth between Colorado Springs, Denver, Boulder, and Frisco, and am getting the most out of this place.  Camping two nights this week with awesome friends.  Watching Scarlet for three days, and Ava for the other two. Swing Dancing tomorrow night. Hiking on Tuesday with Ali. Looking forward to an excellent night out with Sammy on Friday. Dreaming of South Carolina and the new chapter that is going to start in my life. I fly out there on Sunday morning, and my new roommate, Haley, is picking me up from the airport. My interview is Monday morning at 9.  I don't even have my portfolio or anything with me, I left it all in Saugerties.
I'm kind of nervous about the whole transition.  There is going to be a lot of driving, and visiting friends in between my trip from here to Saugerties, and then down to Charleston. I'm not even sure how long I will be home for before I go down to Charleston.  That will be stressful, but once I know and can make plans that will take some pressure off.
I fly back here next Thursday.  That way I will have 4 full days in Charleston to explore and check out my new place, and also 2 very necessary days with Jordan. It will be nice to get so many things situated and figured out.

So I go a lot of places.  I talked to one of my best friends today, after almost a year of being out of touch, and she didn't even know where I was living.  Is it really possible to be so many places and not put any roots down, so people don't even know where you are? Something I have tried to do, no matter where I go, is establish myself.  Make more friends, get a job, pay some taxes, meet a fabulous guy (no that was just Hawaii).  I usually have a great place to stay, even is it is an air mattress or a couch.  I haven't really been able to call anywhere home, but here I am, and that is most important.

I'm nervous to be a real teacher, I have kind of gotten out of the whole school scene over the last year. Do I really want to be a teacher?  We'll see.  I am probably going to love it.  I'll compare all of my equations to pantries, and make up strange ways to remember things.  It will be great.  And the classroom will be my own.  And There I will be.

Make Good Choices

Taking a commercial break from life can be beneficial, but it seems like parties involved don't end up on the brighter end of the spectrum. 

Sorry is not a word that I am very good at using.  Its not that I don't use it, I know that often, when I am using it, it ends up being a very loose term, or a word that I know another person is searching to hear.  What does sorry really mean?  Does it mean that you promise to never do something again? Or that you truly feel guilty for something you just did or a pain you just caused? Or for making a mess, or leaving things out?
I find myself saying sorry when I don't even mean it. When I'm brushing Scarlet's hair and there is a pull or when I am forcing her to take one more bite of the healthy portion of her dinner... There are other times too, when you find yourself trying to appease another person when you know that is what they want to hear. Why is it so difficult to just say it like you mean it?
I have a hard time sitting with someone and hearing a one sided argument to a conversation.  Taking in all of the bad things about you that need to be changed; all of your faults, flaws, and downsides. Where do all of those feelings come from.  Do I actually need to change some of the fundamental values of myself? Or is it something deeper in them that they are not telling me and want me to feel bad first in order for them to work up the courage to tell me.  I am not sure. 
What I do know is that I have not made the best choices lately.  That is very obvious to me, and for that I am sorry.  I'm sorry that I let one of my closest friends down, and have not been there to make it better.  Instead I'm hiding. I don't want to sit through another session of how Anna needs to make herself a better person, I want to have an actual conversation and not feel like I'm in high school.  I don't want to get yelled at, I just want to talk.
I hate hiding behind closed doors, and wanting to run away.  All I feel right now is that I want to move away, that I am done with Colorado and its time for me to move on.  That is not a solution.  That is not a route that I am allowed to take.  But I know it is hard for me to take that first step.  I gotta stop feeling upset and instead fix the issue.  Try an make things better.
I'm here when you are ready to talk, I figure it would be best to make sure all steam has blown off, and things are ready to fall into place, whenever that may be.

Healthy and Sane

Sometimes we just need help right?  Some accountability for our actions, or just someone to put their arm around you and tell you its ok.  Its one thing to be healthy in body - with respect to eating, weight loss, how you look, blah blah blah, but its another huge thing to be healthy in mind and soul.  How you really feel about something, how mindful you are being with respect to your emotional health.  What you are feeding your body should help to fuel you, make you have a better day, be more alert, and more responsive. Your body is going to look however it chooses to look, its your job to take care of it. 
I've been pretty broke lately.  I have made $20 last me almost 2 weeks now.  Thank God Keysa filled up my gas tank, and I was able to buy some eggs, milk, yogurt, peanut butter, and bananas.  For the last week I was only driving to Hapa sushi and back, and living somehow on a diet of 1 free meal from Hapa and protein shakes (yogurt, milk, ice, protein powder, spinach, peanut butter, and random fruits from the freezer). I'm super skinny now, and can see and feel myself kinda wasting away.  I know its not good for me, but sometimes its just how life works itself out.
But that is the body side of health - I'm more concerned with the soul side of health.  I've been strangely miserable.  Not in a "Wow Anna, are you ok? You seem sad today." kind of miserable, more like I have been crying myself to sleep on occasion, and being super unhappy when I am in the car alone. I have been so stressed about Hapa, and learning that entire 89 piece menu with every ingredient for every item on the menu. Then, at work last night it got crazy busy and someone told me the wrong table number so I delivered a huge plate of sushi to the wrong table, introduced every item, and then they still ate it all! Even though they knew it wasn't there's. Well of course the person who told me the number didn't get blamed, that fell on me instead.  I broke down as soon as I got in the car last night.  I called 3 of my most important people in the world, (who were also in a good time zone) and Jordan, Heather, and Inch all didn't answer.  It made me think about it on my own.  Really figure it out in my head as I drove home with the music off. 
I decided this morning to get my butt in gear and really show them who I am.  I rolled in a bit early for the opening 10 a.m. shift and helped set up.  The lady who I was training with came in at 11:30 and decided it was time to major quiz me on things.  She started flying through Japanese words and asking me what type of fish they were and then rolls asking me to describe them to her.  Like rapid fire fast.  I don't do well under pressure like that, especially  not from a peer.  I shut down.  Suddenly didn't know any of them (even though I totally do). And started crying.  UGH! I hate when I start crying like that.  It always happens so fast and so easily! Well, she cut that quizing shit out and we hit the floor to greet our few tables.  I always do fine at that.  I'm great with the customers, they joke and laugh with me, I slam dishes on the table too hard, I pick things up the wrong way, I stutter when I'm talking sometimes, I spill water when I try to refill glasses, I somehow always drop their credit cards on the floor, and the customers love me. I was planning on taking that ridiculous test on Saturday, and it was just really starting to get to me.
WHY am I spending so much time training and learning how to work at a place that I will only be at for 4 weeks? WHY am I training for over 30 hours a week to get paid less than minimum wage for these hours with no tips? WHY am I working somewhere where the other servers treat me like I'm an idiot and think that their job is some of the hardest things in the world? WHY am I trying to work at a restaurant that is only going to give me maybe 3 tables during lunch and no dinner shifts? Training for over 2 weeks to only get 3 tables, which means about $20 in tips every shift after pay out? No thank you.  Jordan sent me a text message that said "Fuck them, you have your masters and its a damn sushi joint. Do not sweat the small stuff".  I'm so hard on myself, I always have been. This was not one of those time where I should be though.  Not the right place for any of my time and effort.
I worked today from 10 - 2, got a dragon roll for lunch, and went to sit at the bar to enjoy it.  I started thinking about quitting, and how I can just babysit for the rest of my month.  I started feeling so much better. Sweet, sweet freedom.  This was the answer.  I called Heather to clarify, and yes I had made the correct decision, I was ending my short term stay at Hapa.  I was supposed to come back in at 5 to train, but I told my manager I wouldn't make it.  I said (while trying so super hard not to freakin cry) a million thank you's for giving me the opportunity, and training me to be an excellent server, but this (and patted the menu) is just to much, and its not worth it to me.  I got to keep my shirt, my apron, and my book, so that was awesome, and then I had the rest of the night to play with Scarlet, clean, and do Insanity.
It actually was all in the plans though for me anyway I guess.  I will now be watching/hanging out with Scarlet on Mondays and Fridays all day so that the dad can have a break and Sam can feel good about who is watching her daughter. 
Healthy in mind, body, and soul.  I feel much better now.

Crying during TV shows

Maybe its just because I want what they have, or I have watched to many concurrent episodes that I really start to feel for the characters, but I seem to get pretty emotional during television shows.  I don't think that's a bad thing.  It shows I have a little bit of heart, care about some other people a little bit more than myself.  But man, sometimes, especially when they are all falling in love, that is when I really want what they have.  Crazy.  It must be the director/writers fault.  I blame them completely.  They know exactly how to hook me in. 

So I am home babysitting for Scarlet right now.  She is totally asleep, and has been for an hour. I'm so glad I am so good with kids, its gotta be a special knack or talent that I was given, cause boy it is helpful.  We ate a full bowl of peas together while her fork became a train, airplane, and steam boat.  She cheered after every bite.  It must be awesome to be a two year old.

I guess I am also pretty natural at being a server, even at a place as strict as Hapa Sushi.  The last two people I trained with couldn't believe that I don't have any experience, and think I should get my own shifts in no time.  I'm pretty pumped about that. As long as I start getting shifts soon.  I have $20 left in my bank, with 700 in my savings for my security deposit in Charleston.  I can only use my gas to get me to Hapa and back, and other than that I am basically gonna eat as little as possible and hang out near the apartment a lot.  Luckily there is a gorgeous park less than a mile away.  When you are training you don't make tips, and I wont see a paycheck for about another 3 weeks.

I figured out Charleston though, and will be living with an awesome girl names Haley.  She sounds EXACTLY like my best friend from when I was a toddler, Emma.  So I know it is going to be a great match.  I just gotta fax in my lease agreement and then I will be good to go.  Sadly, I can't find a fax other than at Fed Ex and there it costs $3 a sheet (I have 5) so I can't even afford to fax it back right now.  I am thinking that I am going to walk into random office buildings tomorrow and ask them if they will fax it for me.  I bet I could con my way into something sweet like that.  We'll see how it goes.  I can't wait to get off that plane, exactly one month from today.  Not only will I get to meet my new roommate who is so excellently picking me up from the airport, but on Tuesday, after exactly 3 months, I wont have to do long distance anymore.

Testing after your masters

I finished school right?? How come I have to take another test? Oh cause I'm working at a high end restaurant apparently. Well here are just a few of the blank pages of the test I'll have to take. Ugh. I'm making note cards right now. Don't worry.

Figuring out my workouts

I don't want to work out unless I enjoy it.  While some people would say "Ya, Ya, me too" And then laugh/scoff at me, other people would understand. I love working out. When my friends bring me to random classes I almost always enjoy it.  I most always love running. I love yoga, pilates, and spinning.  I love love organized sports.  Now here is my dilemma. I dont so much mind going to the gym and working out alone, but that would mean I would need to acquire a gym membership.  Yoga, pilates, and spinning classes all cost money, or you need to be a member, I'm broke.  Running is free, but it can get pretty repetitive, and I tend to push myself to hard and re-injure my feet from college.  I really miss crossfit, but I am going to have a tough time going to that with out Mary. I was talking to Jordan about this last night.  No offense to anyone, but I started going with Mary, and it was awesome, and so great, and I don't think I wanna do it out here without here.  I would be nervous to go in by myself.  And once again currently I am broke... CrossFit costs mucho dollores.
I just need to get out of the apartment when I am here this summer.  Its not that I don't want to, but I get locked out if I leave the main door downstairs. I gotta get myself a pair of keys.  Like yesterday, I didn't have to leave for work until 11 and I was up way before 8. I wanted to go do a workout outside, or a run, but I would get locked out.  While I could have done yoga or similar things inside, I instead made excuses for myself and sat right here on the couch, blogged, and found a sweet apartment with a really cool sounding girl. I need to not allow myself to do that.  So when I get off of my blogging train today, I am going to do a workout inside.  I can do that, I really need to also. My back hurt super bad yesterday at work, and I can promise that is from not doing anything active since Thursday.
What I would really really love to do is when I move to Charleston in like 7 weeks (Yikes!) I want to start boxing.  I think it would be sweet, and I probably have some underlying anger inside me. Definitely want to do some kick boxing.  I know I will be able to go with Jordan to the gym. So I just gotta figure out a schedule.  Oh! And sign up for a dang volleyball team.  I have my volleyball here, so now I just need to get ballsy and go up to people who are playing at the park and ask to join.  I've been shy about that for some reason, needs to be fixed!

Working another double today at Hapa. mmmm more free food!

Ass Back Home

Open this to listen to while you read :)  I really want to learn how to sign this whole song, but they rap to fast!

I have a job interview July 16th in Charleston, SC, and another one lined up for sometime that week :) It is for a high school math teacher, which is what I originally went to school for.  A regular Ed classroom though.  I really want to teach in sign language, to awesome deaf kids, but I guess that will have to wait.  Its more important for me to get my foot in the door, get in the district, and then search out the job I want for next year.  What they do in most districts is take all of the applications for teachers that are already working in the district and need to be moved around, or want to be moved around first, and interview them for all available positions.  Then they start considering new applicants.  Since I am a new applicant, new teacher, and do not have my SC license, I am the last on the list.  Luckily this place seems to really need math teachers.  So I have to do a damn good job this year, and hopefully will be a shoo in for an inclusive deaf classroom next year.

I have been emailing people about apartments like crazy.  Its not so expensive to live down there, so hopefully food wont be either! I originally wanted to live alone, but I think it would be better for me to live with some girls (pray for drama free and clean) to be able to make friends faster and not get super lonely.  I think it would be awesome to be able to walk around in just a towel and cook in my underwear, but that will just have to wait til later! I'm excited though because I know I am going to have a blast down there, and get to walk the beach again.

I start today at Hapa Sushi.  I'm actually really nervous.  I laid out my clothes/uniform last night and have everything ready to go.  I train for a whole week at all of the different positions and have to take a super long test at the end! Crazy! They give you a blank menu and you have to write all the names and ingredients down! Its like 5 pages! And you have to know the Japanese for a lot of it too!! I have to work 3 doubles this week and then one more on Sunday and then I take the test.  I'll only be working there for a little over a month, so this will be interesting! I hope I make some good money though, I am pretty darn broke right now.

So last night Sam and Chelsea left me home alone while they went to Jazz in the park (my stupid dumb ass back hurt so I didn't go).  What happens when you leave Anna home alone? She cuts her own bangs.  Now I had side swept bang things that I used to cut myself in college, and they were cool and all, but I always looked so young and kinda snotty. haha I think I had normal bangs when I was super little, and I probably cut those myself too... Well, I decided I needed to do something new on Saturday, had to make a change to help me deal with other stuff, and bangs was the answer! I watched a youtube video and then cut away.  Now my hair looks even white/blonder, making me look even more like a tow head :)

Mission Impossible *A Two week trip to the Rocky Mountain, Grand Canyon, Arches, and Back*

So about 2 weeks ago Keysa and I left to start our adventure, and her vacation time. The first stop we made was in Rocky Mountain National Park.  We set up camp and quickly realized that our tent had no poles, so we rigged it up to a tree in our site.  We met two awesome guys who were camping near by, and ended up giving us the rope to secure our tent. We hung out at their site drinking some beers and talking about life.  One was a firefighter and just the right age for Keysa, and I tried to hook them up, but you can only do so much being the youngest. Its not my fault he didn't utilize the fact that I gave him her number!

We stayed for a night and did a sweet hike on the bear lake trail up to about 12,000 feet where there was lots of snow.  The original plan was so to hike Greys and Torreys the next morning, but at 14,000 feet at the peak it would be way too cold! And snowy! So we changed direction and decided to drive to some Hot Springs, on recommendation of the firefighter.
We rolled into Hot Sulfur Springs and realized very quickly that it was one of the sketchiest places we had ever been to.  The springs were basically straight out of the 70's and clothing was optional after 9 pm.  It also was like $18 just to get in, so we thought maybe we would just set up camp instead. We couldn't figure out where to pay and went to ask a fellow camper. Creepiest man ever, the first words out of his mouth were "Sexy Legs..." Eww  He was holding a glass of "orange juice" and had a monstrous beer belly.  We escaped from there pretty quickly, and headed for Steamboat Colorado where there are even better hot springs.  We managed to find a sweet campground with a fox that kept walking through our site and didn't have to pay.
We went to the Strawberry Fields Springs the next day, and were accompanied only by old people, asians, and couples.  Quite the experience.  At least we got to get our hair wet, it had been 3 days... 10,500 feet definitely gets to you after a little while and starts to make you feel funny, so we started on our way back to Boulder and got to Kate's by 9.  Perfect timing.
I went to the Bon Iver and Feist concert on Thursday night, which was totally amazing.  Bottles of wine in the parking lot with Heather and Jen, it was a great experience at Red Rocks.
We left the next morning for the Canyon. We stopped to get a real tent from Dave's parents house, this one had poles. Then stopped in C Springs to see Alec who just arrived! YAY.  Now for a 12 hour trip... We tried to find camping that night, but every where we stopped was super ghetto or creepy.  We ended up sleeping in a Walmart parking lot in Durango, not so bad.  We debated setting up the tent, but decided that may not be safe enough.
Saturday we started early after a brief stop at a coffee shop, and me launching one of our coffees off my trunk.  We made it to four corners, which connects Colorado, Arizona, Utah, and New Mexico at about 11, and had a blast there.  I think most people just stop in, but we stayed there for a while taking pictures, meeting sweet old guys (one was a bio teacher for 16 years and then up and quit to move to Denver because he had had enough!), doing a 4 Corners WOD, and buying sweet jewelry.  Four corners was definitely a great experience.

An Elk waiting for the mens bathroom!

We made our way to the Canyon which was only about 3 hours further.  Its so wonderful  and breath taking there.  My favorite part was how quiet it was at our campsite even though there are so many other people around.  Its like everyone just knows to be quiet.  We did the Hermits Rest hike which was about 5 miles total to the springs we went to and back.  And in the morning went and got backcountry permits to go down into the canyon along with a campsite.  We met two guys on the bus back to our campground, and that night ended up staying up way to late with them laughing around the fire and hula hooping/jump roping under the full moon.

We had to be up at 5 to start our hike into the canyon so we could catch the right bus to the trail and get some distance before the sun became too strong.  We should have woken up at 4... The difference in degrees was about 30 degrees more from the top of the canyon down into the middle.  Holy Lord I was sweating my butt off.  We finally made the 7.1 mile down the South Kiabab Trail hike down to our campsite after about 5 1/2 hours, and a little bit of rest.  It was so ridiculously hot at the camp, about 114, and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I laid down in the tent on my sleeping bag and basically just sweated on it for hours and got a bit of rest. Then I laid in my hammock and tried to read, but finally fell asleep for a while. Keysa hung out in the freezing cold stream, brilliant idea.  When I woke up I sat down in it and dunked my head in and it felt so good! I just continuously got my hair wet for the rest of the day and after a dinner of tuna and avocado we finally fell asleep.
We woke up at 4, an hour late, packed up, and headed out of the canyon.  We wanted to get as far as we could up the 9 mile Bright Angle Trail before the sun came on to strong at 5:30.  We granny shuffled our butts up the trail for a full 7 hours, and finally reached the top when it was still morning. We got our heads wet the whole way up, so at least we looked presentable, we were on day 5 of not showering... We had the car packed already and ready to go, so we headed out for Arches National Park. Keysa slept the 6 hour drive up, while I listened to a book on cd and surveyed the beautiful scenery.
We got an awesome campsite near the water, and paid $12 for two nights. Wednesday morning we woke up, hit up the central market, bought some steak, shrimp, vegetables, and post cards. We used the parking lot for our own personal training room, and were photographed by a sketchy guy who told us we were "sexy". Yikes!  We kept our food super cold all day in the truck by wrapping it with blankets like my mom taught me.

Cool Cool! Again!

Arches National Park is amazing. We did a great 4 mile loop hike to see the Double O Arch and climbed on top of it to form our own arch doing back bends. I was doing for a picture with Keysa and these Asians saw me and yelled "Cool Cool! Again!" So I made Keysa do it with me so we could get a great picture!  That night at our campsite we met two guys from Boston.  Two super tall guys, one was 6' 3" the other was 6' 7"! After we made dinner we went over to hang out with them and sat around the fire for hours laughing and making them talk in their "library voices".
The next morning they came over for breakfast and we had a gigantic feast of left over steak, eggs, and bacon.  The bacon destroyed the pan that the boys brought, so we didn't actually end up eating it. We went to wash off our dishes in the stream and found this fantastic wall of rock that had old petroglyphs on it.  Sadly a bunch of stupid kids had carved some of their own initials into it also. The sign explained that back in the day, to get to higher ground, the men would put logs into a large crack in the wall in a diagonal pattern and use them to climb up.  Well this 5 foot deep, 50 feet tall crack that we found with logs in it seemed possible to climb up and it was obvious that others had done it before us.  We had the boys go first, with Keysa third, and me pulling up in the rear.  One of the logs I needed to reach didn't have anywhere for me to put my feet so I actually did a full muscle up to get up onto it! Super sweet.  At the top, the very last one, I pulled myself up, and got my feet up there, but was off balance with my big booty sticking to far out behind me. I started falling backwards, and in one of the absolute scariest moments of my life thought I might not make it. Out of no where, Jim stuck out his hand and grabbed mine and pulled me up.  I couldn't believe it, my heart was super pumping.  The way back down was very intense also.  I went second to map out a path for keysa, and was definitely in some very scary and sketchy positions at moments.  I made it with Matt, the super tall one, giving me a hand.  We walked back to the car and said good bye to our new adventurous friends, as they were headed to Yosemite, and we were headed home.











 What seemed like an impossible mission, traveling all over the place in two weeks, sustaining, not fighting, having a blast, and making WHAT?!?! poses all over the place turned out to be a blast.  I'm so glad Keysa flew out to travel with me.  And that I made enough money bartending at Bob's to finance myself. It was super fun, and I hope more people have the chance to camp in random areas, and hike down into the Grand Canyon with super heavy packs on their backs and not enough sleep :)

Blogging from Steamboat

Keysa and I are in Steamboat Springs Colorado. We slept in a tent for the second night in a row and froze our butts off!! We went to Strawberry Park Hot Springs this morning and are now enjoying coffee together in the sun:)

Taking a break from the Social Scene

I've been told and have noticed myself that my activity on facebook has become to lengthy.  Why look, its 7 pm on a Friday and I'm on my laptop.What is this?!?! A catastrophe is what!! Therefore a break from facebook is what I will have, and I will enjoy it :)

 I just went for a long walk with Sammy and Scarlet in the stroller to check out an apartment to sublet for the summer.  It was cheap, and cute and small, but smelled! So, no apartment for Anna.  That was a clear sign that I should just stay here for the summer. A big, clean, non-smelly apartment for me to sleep in, and perhaps set up a bed out on the porch. It should hopefully be nice and peaceful and give me tons of time to think clearly and concisely. Even look out at the stars. 

I think tonight I am going to go out to Wash park, or up onto the roof.  Chelsea should be home with her family later, so maybe we will even go out to downtown Denver. Still not sure.

I found out today that my New York State Teaching License will transfer to South Carolina.  That's pretty dang awesome.  I just gotta fill out some lengthy application and then pay a small fee (instead of taking 4 tests that each cost 100$) and get fingerprinted and an FBI check.  Way easier than what I thought I was supposed to do.  I'm really excited about moving down there.  I'm glad that my plans after undergrad of moving to one of the Carolina's to get my masters is finally coming true. Except that I already have my masters, so that makes it way better! No more homework for Anna! Except when I have to assign it to my students and then grade it... But that's high school level math.  No big deal. I can't wait to play beach volleyball! There's a lot that I'm excited about.  If I go to Wash park right now I could probably jump in a volleyball game, that's a good idea. 

Back on track

I just read someone's facebook status that said "Life never asked me what I wanted."

Really? It is supposed to ask you? Like "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to get this job that you're applying for?"  I feel like Life would have a deep but creepy voice. hmmm  I don't know about this status though.  If you want something you should go get it.  Move to a new place for it.  Try harder to get it. Play harder.  Work harder.  Want to be in shape? You have to work at it! Everyday! Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Consciously decide to not have extra snacks before bed... everyday. Once in a while may be necessary for sanity purposes.  I don't know, I've worked so hard I have never even thought about asking Life for what I want.  Well not true, yesterday I was walking with Ava and it started to drizzle. We were still on the other side of the park and I basically begged for the rain to not come.  We got lucky and it held off til later.  Ava had just finally fallen asleep, and I would have been so sad to see her get wet with cold rain.

I think its different with religion, and praying, and talking with your chosen "higher power". Now while currently I do not have a higher power of choice, and I don't pray so often, and church is not in my realm of weekly actions, I still know that religion may have some insight into Life taking into consideration what you want.  I learned that whatever is supposed to happen to you will, and if you are a good person, do good things, make tons of sacrifices, don't eat an hour before mass, no meat on Fridays, say your prayers before dinner, and always put others before yourself, then Life will work out in your favor.  Now, I haven't quite seen that work out successfully for anyone yet, but its what I was taught.  I like the idea of asking for things that you want, and saying thanks for them before they are even there. Being grateful for what you do not even have yet, and then unexpectedly they may turn up without you realizing it. I like that idea.  But Life is just supposed to ask you what you want? No way! You need to do the work and put in the effort.  Make it happen.

It turns out for the Charleston County school district that I have to reapply. By tomorrow. But they should have about 100 job openings next week, so I am pretty pumped about that!

*The Mile High City*

I am now a part of Denver and therefore a part of this mile high city.  Aside from learning what it really was that was making me so upset last week, I have accomplished a great deal since I have gotten here.  I am now the newest server at Hapa Sushi in Greenwood Village. Its a sushi bar, and is very nice, modern, and sophisticated. Its right near the Denver Tech Center, so my guess is there should be some people who actually are making some money coming in to tip me! Its also right next to an Irish Pub. Perfect.  This will be a new a fun experience, and hopefully I get to eat lots of good sushi all summer! That's the big hope, save money on food :)

The best thing that has happened to me so far is going up to the roof of Sam's apartment.  Sam and Chelsea have been letting me stay on their couch for the last week, and I have loved every second of it.  It is so nice to be able to hang out with Sam all the time again, its like we haven't missed a beat. We've already gone on 2 runs this week, and she is even pushing me! Its amazing. Monday we went onto the roof of her apartment after our run, and did a mini crossfit workout.  Push ups, squats, and jump rope; all while looking out to the mountains which were beaming because the sun was almost completely down.  Chelsea is right, she and I are quickly also becoming two very good friends, she even said she is going to be super sad when I leave!

Back to the roof.  Oh my gosh its amazing. Romantic dinner amazing. Dance party amazing. Star gazing amazing.  The first time I went up there was last Wednesday after my semi major break down.  Sammy and I just sat up there, talked it out, and looked out into a much bigger world than just the two of us.  Its so important to remember that there is so much else out there, you are just one small piece in the equation.

We also went up there to watch the eclipse.  Watching three good friends and a small baby smile away while dancing to MGMT really made a lasting impression.  Chelsea yelled out over the other apartments "I love this!!!" and its right.  Look where we are in the world, its priceless.

I'm trying my best to keep my things out of the way, and work on not hurting other peoples feelings.  What is up with feelings? And emotions?  It seems like people don't so much mind anymore about other people and just think a lot more about themselves.  A lot more about what will make things more convenient for them, or so they can have a better time.

For example, text messages. Now I remember the exact moment in the car on John Carl Road when my brother Andrew told me 'He will never get into the texting phenomena'. "I just dont get it" he said, "Why is it so hard to just pick up the phone and call someone.  If I want to talk to them, I would just call." He retracts that statement now that he sees how important and vital texting is in the 21st century, but still, why is calling so hard? Or just taking the 5.6 seconds that it takes to send a text message? (that is an average calculation, but I timed a bunch of my messages and this was the mean time). Its so hard when you are waiting for someone to call you back, about information for a party, directions, or plans for the evening, and you just hear nothing.  Or maybe you want to say good night to a certain someone, so you shoot them a text, and even still in the morning there is still no response.  I don't get it, it only takes a few seconds to make someone else feel better and more secure. Enough about my own personal problems. the root of the equation is coming.

Last night I was sent a text that an excellent girl friend needed girl advice.  I jumped on the phone and called her ass back. He told her to text while he was away on a business trip, so she did, and 4 days later still no response.  4 DAYS! Geez and I'm worried about 1 day.  I told her to punch him, but that didn't seem like the best solution. What does this mean, this no response method? His phone broke? He really doesn't have time? (cough bull shit) He is taking the easy way out and not talking to her in hopes that she'll go away? (grow some balls dude!) What the heck? It takes two seconds to text!  I like how she put it though, "I am needy and I know that, and I am very up front about it" Damn, good point. Girls are needy. Most anyway. Sometimes you just need a freakin text! "Hey I'm real busy today, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you.  Have a great day and I'll call you when I get the chance"  I've sent messages like that. wow 7 seconds to type that. I'm messing with my average here.

Anyway.  This mile high city is amazing and has amazing people in it.  I have already added to my list of excellent friends.  New girl friends that will stay with me for a life time.  There are more adventures to come, and less stress to follow.

Sometimes you just know

Its funny hearing my dad say that to me on the phone, 1800 miles away, sitting in his office in NY, in between yelling at the dogs to stay in the yard. I can picture when my mom knew, sitting in a dorm room at RIT, my dad playing a sweet tune on his bass, and my mom feeding him popcorn by the handful. That is one of my favorite memories of my masters, when my mom came to visit me and she told me what it looked like 40 years ago when she was at school there.  The building I was taking classes in was just being built, and the dorm she was in is still exactly the same.  The smile on her face while reliving the memory was really a great moment in my life.
Sometimes you do just know.  My dad gave me one of his mini inspirational lectures this morning, telling me to look at the big picture and not what is just in front of you right now. Look at where you are, but also all of the wonderful people and things in your life. Maybe something is scaring you right now, or making you very sad, but try to look at the bigger picture.  Its ok to be sad, and maybe in disbelief that certain things are happening not like you had expected or want them to happen, but life is really great.
Life really is just great.  Even when you have a $614 school loan payment, it will work out.  Who gives a shit? As my dad says about my loans.  Who cares if I have to pay them forever by lowering the payment.  I'm going to just enjoy things as they come.  Enjoy things right now. I am in a great situation, and I need to appreciate it.  I know a lot of people that are in great situations.  Watching my friends fall in love out in Horseheads. Learning that another just got tenured up in Saranac Lake. Beautiful baby girls are growing up so great.  Selling your motorcycle for more than you thought you would get. So many great things happening. It just makes me smile. 

And yes dad, you're right. Sometimes you do just know...

Sometimes all you need is chocolate

Or to go on an awesome run.  Lungs burning. Heart pumping. Legs moving far faster than normal. Getting out all the unexpressable emotions that are trying to make themselves prevalent in everyday life. Then you get home and realize you've ran 4 miles which is farther than you've run in more than a year.
Sometimes all you need is to have a good day.  A day where things really seem to go right.  Perfect amount of sun and shade, weather that is just the right amount of wind and warmth.
Or maybe you just need a call from a best friend. Your first friend in high school and forever a best friend. 
Maybe that's just what I needed.

Experiencing the Extraordinary

This may or may not turn into a huge cycle of venting with these next lines that I type.  I have been trying to write it down in my journal but I have been having trouble picking up a pen.  Ava is asleep in her crib right now.  This sweet sweet baby who's sole goal in life is to eat as much as possible, sleep as much as possible, stare at things, poop right out of her diaper, and wait to pee until I am changing her, every time.  I've been spending all day with her since Monday.  Yup, this is day 4, and I already feel it.  This is why I didn't want to become a nanny when I came out here, the seclusion.  I spend so much time thinking about my future, money, loans... the list goes on.  The rest of the time I am signing, talking, dancing, and signing some more with this 6 month old baby.  I bet she could pick me up a guy in two seconds.  Its obvious that I didn't have her myself, all the other moms that I have met walking have noted how there was no way my body could look like this so soon.  I think they are just jealous of my knee socks. I bring her to the coffee shop, and for walks around the park, but who do I end up talking to? Mostly myself.  She isn't looking at me half the time, so all the words that are flying out of my hands become a conversation with myself.  She is too busy loving the outside world and all it has to offer.
It seems like things right now are just building up and up and up inside me.  I spent way to much time alone and dwelling in my own thoughts, that now I am having some trouble expressing them.  This summer was supposed to be about having a blast with my girl friends.  I saved up just enough to almost get me by, as long as I have a job. Well, its like plans can never go as they are supposed to, and I get caught going 12 miles over the speed limit, for an extra 200 dollars and 4 points, and then apparently I talked for 743 minutes on our 700 minute plan. The total for the month was 988 minutes, for a total bill of 295. Shoot me. And it was just as I was in the car starting to feel really down and shitty when my mom called me to tell me the verizon news.  That was the end of it, the flood gates opened.  Why am I even in Colorado right now?  I don't have an apartment, my school loans will start pouring in next month.  I don't have a real job. I'm supposed to be a grown up. I am unhappy right now.  The one person that I wanted to call who I thought would support me and just tell me that it was going to be ok was at work with his phone off.  I don't know if I can do it.
I don't know if I can hold on and stay strong, when it seems like the other side of the equation isn't reassuring me.  What happened to all the good times? I remember every second of every moment and how happy I was. Its like something is attacking me inside and I don't know how to battle it.  I want to go to my friends for help, but its so hard, and I don't want to put all of this on them. I don't want to be miserable all the time when this summer was supposed to be so different.  I guess I didn't plan on getting in a relationship. Maybe I should get out of it. I don't think I can do it.
I don't think I can stay strong and put in 110%. That's what it takes and I know that. I don't know what to do. I keep saying to myself that I want to go home, but what does that even mean? I just want to move somewhere and start my life.  Be established somewhere.  Make some friends who are interested in exactly what I am interested in. Play sports. Go running.  Do yoga. Meditate. Read good books, And Drink good coffee. I know a few places where I could start. I could pick up and go there and start my life, get a sweet job, meet some awesome people, be happy and fine. One of those places is Charleston.  It would be so amazing to move there. I have looked into it so much and checked out their school system, which is awesome. The night life. The people. The living situation.  It would all be great.  Get my own sweet ass apartment, decorate it with things I already have.  Buy a comfy bed.  Meet my next door neighbors. Start throwing sweet ass parties. Get in great shape. Feel great about myself. Maybe even fall in love. Everything would not go as planned of course, as things never do, but look at what I've done so far?
I moved to Australia and didn't know a soul. I instantly had two best friends, within a week met an amazing guy, by the end was blessed by a third best friend, and over 4 months met and made so many other friends by just being me.  They weren't even people in my program or people in my building.  I met them out, on the beach, the bars, running, flirting... And I did it on my own.
Got into a masters program where I didn't know anyone, didn't know sign language, and all anyone around me did was sign. I met some awesome people, got great grades, even had a boyfriend who happened to be deaf so my skills greatly improved, and again made a best friend.
Then there is Colorado last year, where I drove across the country to be in a living situation where I would know no one and in 3 months I was cruising, partying, and snowboarding with some awesome people.
Same in New Mexico, I even got an extra job coaching track. Got phone number after phone number every weekend at every track meet. I was fine. And I was pretty dang happy.
I would love to start somewhere fresh. Make my life my own without things catching up to get me.  I like that I have friends all over the country.  I want more.
I want more. That just reminded me of the book I just finished reading.  A Million Little Pieces. Fucking Phenomenal.  I swear on purpose because I mean it.  Yes, Yes, the author was on Oprah and she called him out on the majority or the story not being true, but holy crap, its still such a good book! I'm reading the sequel now, My Friend Leonard, also amazing.  I recommend you to read both, in order, you wont be disappointed. And if you are then that's stupid.
I guess I'm just a little messed up.  I've been living my life, and have been through some stuff, stuff that can mess someone up.  I have trust issues, I'm insecure, I just want to be loved.
I'm going to stay in Colorado until the end of July, and then I am going to move to Charleston, and I am going to move there for me.  No prerequisites. No pressure. No hard feelings. Just love. I like that. Just love. And Freedom.
Live Free - Breathe Deep.  I gotta take my own imprinted advice more often.

And that whole relationship thing? I'm just overreacting. I wouldn't get out of it for the world.  Long distance isn't my thing, but I am certainly willing to try.  I've made it a month so far, let's see if I can do two more.

Internal Struggles

I couldn't tell you how many times I have given people advice, or shared stories from my experiences in hope that I could help someone make a better decision themselves.  I think I am not the best at taking peoples advie though.  I love getting it though, and sitting down with friends and discussing things that we feel are of importance to us.  For right now the thing that seems to be popping up the most is relationships.  It quite possibly could be the only thing thats been talked about lately in all reality.  I'm head over heels for someone and just drove, by myself, in the car for close to 40 hours.  Now that is a lot of alone time with yourself.  So what do I do? Day dream. Wild, crazy, awesome, amazing day dreams. I basically planned out the next 20 years of my life and a million different ways on how everything could work out.  I just got some really good advice though... Be careful setting your expectations so high. You could end up setting the bar so far up that when reality happens, and has the potential to be perfect and amazing, you will still not be satisfied because it doesn't add up to that extra oridanarily amazing expectation that you had planned. Be happy with what you have and the opportunities that present themselves to you right now. And then when the time comes for those awesome amazing planned out things to happen, be happy with them. And if the time is right, and the person is right, then it will be perfect.

I always think so far in advance! Sometimes I really wish I would keep my mind in the here and now, but boy oh boy is that tough.  I know this summer is going to be so fun, but I really I just want to get going to the amazing stuff that I know is in store for me... I know its out there waiting and it is all just going to work out! And it is going to be great! so great.

Right now is great.  I'm at Sammy's alone with Scarlet. I figured Chelsea and Sammy should get some grocery shopping done alone.  Scarlet just woke up from a nap and now is dancing around the living room with me to Florence and the Machine. She's coloring and playing with her play set.  Its a perfect arrangement really, and I am so happy here with her.  I really should open up my own day care.  I just need an outlet to the outside world too... I just read an awesome email from Jordan, who should hopefully be surfacing in a day or so, cross your fingers! And tonight I am going up to Boulder to hang out with awesome people and celebrate a birthday. 

Take other peoples advice. Sometimes their advice may not be the best, but its good practice anyway.  Don't plan to much for the future.  Instead, just make your future happen. Make it the very best that you can, and I bet that will be pretty good

Metaphors

I'm excited to sleep in a real bed again. It is so nice here, and I am lucky to have friends like Sara. (their bed in the 2nd bedroom is basically like sleeping on a cloud) I hope in Colorado I have a real bed, not a couch or blow up mattress the whole time.  Did I ever tell you how important that is to me? I talked to Sara for a long time about it today.  What I want most in the world, other than a family and a happy marriage, is a bed of my own.  Over the last 6 years I haven't slept in the same bed for more than 4 months at a time, and never in those 6 years was it actually my bed.  Well, my bed at home is "mine" but it was passed down to me by an older sibling like 20 something years ago, so I don't think that really counts.  My beds in college were always some other college kids bed before mine, and my bed at my apartment that I had for a year, but moved home for 4 months during the summer, was also not my bed, it was someone's bed that they let me borrow.  So really my long life of beds is pretty non committal.  Sounds like a bad relationship. Wait, it is the same with my past relationships. 4 months was my longest, and probably the longest I've had a bed. Wow.  But I want that to change.  I want a real bed.  This summer will be my true test, and by the end of the summer I should know if I can purchase a real bed, my own real bed.  (I hope you are picking up my metaphor here...) But also the whole story about the bed is true too:)