Having trouble putting it into words

I've had a very interesting last two weeks.  To say the least.
Finding out who I am, and who is important to me.
Finding out what means more to me, and what I should be focusing on, or spending my time on.

Charleston was great.  I felt like I ruled that place; rolling on interviews and meeting amazing people.
I was offered two jobs.  Like not just offered, but begged to accept the position because they "couldn't let me go".

I found out that I have been 'wasting my time' on something for a while, and allowing my chest to hurt and my heart to ache for 3 months.  Why do I let myself fall into such traps?  In everything I do.  I pour my heart into something, only for it to not be reciprocated on the other end of the spectrum.  The thing is, you have to learn from it, grow from it, and change that small piece to make you into a better person, while not being fooled by someone else.  Maybe in the past you were annoying by calling all the time, and bugging the other person. Well, fix it.  Maybe you were too scared to express your feelings, so you just led them on and let them believe that you still liked them, and instead just hurt their feelings way more months later.  OK, so grow up, and don't do that anymore.  You can't just say, "well, that's who I am, and I do stuff like that." No.  Learn from it, and get better before next time. You don't have to go around breaking hearts or even causing the slightest bit of pain from not being able to properly express yourself.
I know that I am good at leading people on.  I was notorious for it back in the day, but guess what? I don't do it anymore.  I try to open myself up, or at least allow the other person to know where I am coming from.  I can't date right now.  I'm leaving.  How many times have I said that? I actually have lost count.  I feel like I am always leaving.  My great friend Sara once expressed it to me that she felt like she was always leaving people, always leaving home, leaving college, leaving friends as soon as you become close with them.  I certainly feel that here.  Leaving Chelsea, leaving Sam, and most importantly leaving Scarlet.
Now, I am not saying I had my heart broken.  I knew a while ago that things were clearly not working out, and I was not surprised by the way things ended.  But still for some reason it hurt so bad. A pain in my chest and in my stomach telling me that I needed some closure, needed to know where it went wrong.
A lot of great things have happened this summer.  A lot of things I am really proud of, and a lot of people I am really glad to have met and made such wonderful relationships with. I am glad that I made it through this summer and my interviews.  By the way, I felt amazing in my interviews.  I have never felt more proud of myself and the achievements that I have made in the last 6 years.  I guess I didn't realize how many different jobs I have had, and how many kids lives I have touched.  Being able to share my stories of my favorite experiences and have someone tell me that what I have done is incredible is beyond me.  I never thought that a school would be fighting to have me as a teacher. To be offering me extra incentives to choose that school over the other one.  I felt freaking amazing in Charleston.  I can't wait to be there.

I am having a hard time saying goodbye to people here.  I might just peace out.  Not say goodbye, just leave.  I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings towards people, and really telling them how it is and how I feel. I am excited to go home.  I'm excited to see those people at home.  I'm excited to sleep in my bed.  But I am way more excited to sleep in my brand new bed in Charleston.  Its gonna be great

Wherever You Go; There You Are

Wherever you go... I go a lot of places.  There you are...  Here I am.

Here I am. I am in Denver, Colorado.  I have been back and forth between Colorado Springs, Denver, Boulder, and Frisco, and am getting the most out of this place.  Camping two nights this week with awesome friends.  Watching Scarlet for three days, and Ava for the other two. Swing Dancing tomorrow night. Hiking on Tuesday with Ali. Looking forward to an excellent night out with Sammy on Friday. Dreaming of South Carolina and the new chapter that is going to start in my life. I fly out there on Sunday morning, and my new roommate, Haley, is picking me up from the airport. My interview is Monday morning at 9.  I don't even have my portfolio or anything with me, I left it all in Saugerties.
I'm kind of nervous about the whole transition.  There is going to be a lot of driving, and visiting friends in between my trip from here to Saugerties, and then down to Charleston. I'm not even sure how long I will be home for before I go down to Charleston.  That will be stressful, but once I know and can make plans that will take some pressure off.
I fly back here next Thursday.  That way I will have 4 full days in Charleston to explore and check out my new place, and also 2 very necessary days with Jordan. It will be nice to get so many things situated and figured out.

So I go a lot of places.  I talked to one of my best friends today, after almost a year of being out of touch, and she didn't even know where I was living.  Is it really possible to be so many places and not put any roots down, so people don't even know where you are? Something I have tried to do, no matter where I go, is establish myself.  Make more friends, get a job, pay some taxes, meet a fabulous guy (no that was just Hawaii).  I usually have a great place to stay, even is it is an air mattress or a couch.  I haven't really been able to call anywhere home, but here I am, and that is most important.

I'm nervous to be a real teacher, I have kind of gotten out of the whole school scene over the last year. Do I really want to be a teacher?  We'll see.  I am probably going to love it.  I'll compare all of my equations to pantries, and make up strange ways to remember things.  It will be great.  And the classroom will be my own.  And There I will be.

Make Good Choices

Taking a commercial break from life can be beneficial, but it seems like parties involved don't end up on the brighter end of the spectrum. 

Sorry is not a word that I am very good at using.  Its not that I don't use it, I know that often, when I am using it, it ends up being a very loose term, or a word that I know another person is searching to hear.  What does sorry really mean?  Does it mean that you promise to never do something again? Or that you truly feel guilty for something you just did or a pain you just caused? Or for making a mess, or leaving things out?
I find myself saying sorry when I don't even mean it. When I'm brushing Scarlet's hair and there is a pull or when I am forcing her to take one more bite of the healthy portion of her dinner... There are other times too, when you find yourself trying to appease another person when you know that is what they want to hear. Why is it so difficult to just say it like you mean it?
I have a hard time sitting with someone and hearing a one sided argument to a conversation.  Taking in all of the bad things about you that need to be changed; all of your faults, flaws, and downsides. Where do all of those feelings come from.  Do I actually need to change some of the fundamental values of myself? Or is it something deeper in them that they are not telling me and want me to feel bad first in order for them to work up the courage to tell me.  I am not sure. 
What I do know is that I have not made the best choices lately.  That is very obvious to me, and for that I am sorry.  I'm sorry that I let one of my closest friends down, and have not been there to make it better.  Instead I'm hiding. I don't want to sit through another session of how Anna needs to make herself a better person, I want to have an actual conversation and not feel like I'm in high school.  I don't want to get yelled at, I just want to talk.
I hate hiding behind closed doors, and wanting to run away.  All I feel right now is that I want to move away, that I am done with Colorado and its time for me to move on.  That is not a solution.  That is not a route that I am allowed to take.  But I know it is hard for me to take that first step.  I gotta stop feeling upset and instead fix the issue.  Try an make things better.
I'm here when you are ready to talk, I figure it would be best to make sure all steam has blown off, and things are ready to fall into place, whenever that may be.