Make Good Choices

Taking a commercial break from life can be beneficial, but it seems like parties involved don't end up on the brighter end of the spectrum. 

Sorry is not a word that I am very good at using.  Its not that I don't use it, I know that often, when I am using it, it ends up being a very loose term, or a word that I know another person is searching to hear.  What does sorry really mean?  Does it mean that you promise to never do something again? Or that you truly feel guilty for something you just did or a pain you just caused? Or for making a mess, or leaving things out?
I find myself saying sorry when I don't even mean it. When I'm brushing Scarlet's hair and there is a pull or when I am forcing her to take one more bite of the healthy portion of her dinner... There are other times too, when you find yourself trying to appease another person when you know that is what they want to hear. Why is it so difficult to just say it like you mean it?
I have a hard time sitting with someone and hearing a one sided argument to a conversation.  Taking in all of the bad things about you that need to be changed; all of your faults, flaws, and downsides. Where do all of those feelings come from.  Do I actually need to change some of the fundamental values of myself? Or is it something deeper in them that they are not telling me and want me to feel bad first in order for them to work up the courage to tell me.  I am not sure. 
What I do know is that I have not made the best choices lately.  That is very obvious to me, and for that I am sorry.  I'm sorry that I let one of my closest friends down, and have not been there to make it better.  Instead I'm hiding. I don't want to sit through another session of how Anna needs to make herself a better person, I want to have an actual conversation and not feel like I'm in high school.  I don't want to get yelled at, I just want to talk.
I hate hiding behind closed doors, and wanting to run away.  All I feel right now is that I want to move away, that I am done with Colorado and its time for me to move on.  That is not a solution.  That is not a route that I am allowed to take.  But I know it is hard for me to take that first step.  I gotta stop feeling upset and instead fix the issue.  Try an make things better.
I'm here when you are ready to talk, I figure it would be best to make sure all steam has blown off, and things are ready to fall into place, whenever that may be.