Blogging about Blogging

A week has gone by and I haven't even noticed that I haven't written.  I think about it sometimes, but I just "don't have the time" or "don't have access to my computer".  Truth is I haven't really been around.  All of my free time outside of babysitting Zane and working at the bar has been spent with Eric.  I'm glad on Saturday I told him I needed a break and uninvited him from the hike I went on with Mary and friends.  One because it was all girls, and two because honestly I don't need to do everything with him.  I forget how used to I am being independent and kind of just living life on my own.  Its so easy to fall into being with someone all the time and letting them take care of you, or planning EVERYTHING around the both of you.  Its even worse when I remember how important it is that I have alone time.  I seriously cannot not have alone time. But how do you explain that to someone who doesn't need that?  Especially when you say, I need alone time, and they are so freakin nice and cute about it that you forget you need alone time and just cuddle up to them instead.  I want things to work out, and last a long long time, but how do you know that is what you really want so soon?  Things zoom past you and you over look others, only to find out a long time from now that those things really bother you and you want to curl up into a corner and cry or pull out all of your hair.  I  don't want to end up like that.  Unhappy.  I'm almost scared of it, and would rather run away now then enjoy the good times that are still yet to be had.
I've been like miserable lately, and that is not because of any one thing. The biggest reason is the bar I work at.  I love being behind a bar. I think its hilarious, and I have a good time doing it.  The hours that I work blow, and I am missing most sunlight hours and working for a total prick.  But the worst part is that a lot of the time I am there alone.  This is not a new thing for me or people that know me, I do not like to be alone for extended amounts of time.  This results in over-thinking and over-criticizing, which results in me being a failure, loser, and undeserving.  This leads to me being unhappy and realizing that I did not move to Hawaii to be at a bar, by myself, in the middle of the day, and not even be drinking.  No joke, I have been there for 5 hours, totally alone.  Boss, cook, nobody.  I am sticking it out because I want a good reference when I move to my next place, and am looking for a bartending job. If I quit I wont get that.  But I don't think I will last there more than another week on the day shift.  The schedule is not up past today, so I am hoping that they put me on the night shift next week, if not, I will be telling them that this is my last week.  Oh well.  I have some money saved up, so its not like I would be totally broke, which I am good at being broke anyway.  Luckily to live here my requirements are to wash the dishes and help out with groceries.  Best deal I have ever seen.  But also it gives me incentive to pass on the love, because one day I will have a friend or sibling in need of free housing, and mine will be ready for the taking.
Its funny, after I type about all of this stuff I don't feel so unhappy anymore.  I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face thinking about this weekend and next Monday and Tuesday.  Eric and I have big plans for Monday night and Tuesday because he has off of work and we want to create something fun for Valentines Day that we missed this past Tuesday.  That day is overrated anyway and totally stresses me out!  Mary reminded me this morning, that even if I do quit Bob's I have much better things to be doing, like sitting at the beach all day catching some sun.  Agreed.  I should  be enjoying those things more before I move to a place that doesn't have any ocean.

This past weekend on Saturday we hiked into the Ka'au Crater.  It was awesome.  There were like 2000000000000 waterfalls, and we climbed up 7 of them til we got to the top and could see the whole valley.  IT was my absolute favorite hike so far, but I didn't bring my camera.  I will be doing it again for sure when Kevin comes in March, and I will bring my really good camera :)

You can't tell how far I am off the ground in this picture, but I muscled myself up this very skinny and awkward tree to get some of the most deliciously ripe Strawberry Guavas I have ever tasted.  They were well worth the climb, and very delicious in my tummy.  There are more pictures of our ridiculousness on facebook, I don't have many pictures because I was using my itouch :(

On Sunday Eric and I went up to the North Shore on his Ducati along the Kamehameha highway.  It was a long ride with big spurts of rain, but very fun.  We stopped for a second to rest, and at that very moment Sara called me, and his mom called him.  Perfect timing for the both of us.  We had lunch in Haliewa at a restaurant called Breakers which was delicious, and then went to lie on the beach in Waianae.  It was cold and rainy and cloudy, but we still went in the water to play in the perfectly sized waves.  The only problem was the pretty uncomfortable ride back on the bike, but our day all together was well worth it.  A hot shower has never felt so good! 
This week I worked on Monday and Tuesday (which is extra) because the other day bartender got married on Valentines Day.  Which is brilliant by the way gentlemen because now you only have to remember one date instead of two, and spend less money on one gift instead of multiple.  Genius!  The only thing that would be better is if her birthday was Feb 14th, because then you would never get in trouble.  Unless you forgot all three, and then I would have to slap you over the head myself.  I  have no idea what my schedule looks like after babysitting tomorrow morning, but hopefully I have a day this weekend to go out and play in the sun with Mary.  Its funny how much I freakin love the ocean, but I barely ever go.  Something is wrong inside this noggin of mine.  Maybe I will figure it out someday.

to be continued...