Experiencing the Extraordinary

This may or may not turn into a huge cycle of venting with these next lines that I type.  I have been trying to write it down in my journal but I have been having trouble picking up a pen.  Ava is asleep in her crib right now.  This sweet sweet baby who's sole goal in life is to eat as much as possible, sleep as much as possible, stare at things, poop right out of her diaper, and wait to pee until I am changing her, every time.  I've been spending all day with her since Monday.  Yup, this is day 4, and I already feel it.  This is why I didn't want to become a nanny when I came out here, the seclusion.  I spend so much time thinking about my future, money, loans... the list goes on.  The rest of the time I am signing, talking, dancing, and signing some more with this 6 month old baby.  I bet she could pick me up a guy in two seconds.  Its obvious that I didn't have her myself, all the other moms that I have met walking have noted how there was no way my body could look like this so soon.  I think they are just jealous of my knee socks. I bring her to the coffee shop, and for walks around the park, but who do I end up talking to? Mostly myself.  She isn't looking at me half the time, so all the words that are flying out of my hands become a conversation with myself.  She is too busy loving the outside world and all it has to offer.
It seems like things right now are just building up and up and up inside me.  I spent way to much time alone and dwelling in my own thoughts, that now I am having some trouble expressing them.  This summer was supposed to be about having a blast with my girl friends.  I saved up just enough to almost get me by, as long as I have a job. Well, its like plans can never go as they are supposed to, and I get caught going 12 miles over the speed limit, for an extra 200 dollars and 4 points, and then apparently I talked for 743 minutes on our 700 minute plan. The total for the month was 988 minutes, for a total bill of 295. Shoot me. And it was just as I was in the car starting to feel really down and shitty when my mom called me to tell me the verizon news.  That was the end of it, the flood gates opened.  Why am I even in Colorado right now?  I don't have an apartment, my school loans will start pouring in next month.  I don't have a real job. I'm supposed to be a grown up. I am unhappy right now.  The one person that I wanted to call who I thought would support me and just tell me that it was going to be ok was at work with his phone off.  I don't know if I can do it.
I don't know if I can hold on and stay strong, when it seems like the other side of the equation isn't reassuring me.  What happened to all the good times? I remember every second of every moment and how happy I was. Its like something is attacking me inside and I don't know how to battle it.  I want to go to my friends for help, but its so hard, and I don't want to put all of this on them. I don't want to be miserable all the time when this summer was supposed to be so different.  I guess I didn't plan on getting in a relationship. Maybe I should get out of it. I don't think I can do it.
I don't think I can stay strong and put in 110%. That's what it takes and I know that. I don't know what to do. I keep saying to myself that I want to go home, but what does that even mean? I just want to move somewhere and start my life.  Be established somewhere.  Make some friends who are interested in exactly what I am interested in. Play sports. Go running.  Do yoga. Meditate. Read good books, And Drink good coffee. I know a few places where I could start. I could pick up and go there and start my life, get a sweet job, meet some awesome people, be happy and fine. One of those places is Charleston.  It would be so amazing to move there. I have looked into it so much and checked out their school system, which is awesome. The night life. The people. The living situation.  It would all be great.  Get my own sweet ass apartment, decorate it with things I already have.  Buy a comfy bed.  Meet my next door neighbors. Start throwing sweet ass parties. Get in great shape. Feel great about myself. Maybe even fall in love. Everything would not go as planned of course, as things never do, but look at what I've done so far?
I moved to Australia and didn't know a soul. I instantly had two best friends, within a week met an amazing guy, by the end was blessed by a third best friend, and over 4 months met and made so many other friends by just being me.  They weren't even people in my program or people in my building.  I met them out, on the beach, the bars, running, flirting... And I did it on my own.
Got into a masters program where I didn't know anyone, didn't know sign language, and all anyone around me did was sign. I met some awesome people, got great grades, even had a boyfriend who happened to be deaf so my skills greatly improved, and again made a best friend.
Then there is Colorado last year, where I drove across the country to be in a living situation where I would know no one and in 3 months I was cruising, partying, and snowboarding with some awesome people.
Same in New Mexico, I even got an extra job coaching track. Got phone number after phone number every weekend at every track meet. I was fine. And I was pretty dang happy.
I would love to start somewhere fresh. Make my life my own without things catching up to get me.  I like that I have friends all over the country.  I want more.
I want more. That just reminded me of the book I just finished reading.  A Million Little Pieces. Fucking Phenomenal.  I swear on purpose because I mean it.  Yes, Yes, the author was on Oprah and she called him out on the majority or the story not being true, but holy crap, its still such a good book! I'm reading the sequel now, My Friend Leonard, also amazing.  I recommend you to read both, in order, you wont be disappointed. And if you are then that's stupid.
I guess I'm just a little messed up.  I've been living my life, and have been through some stuff, stuff that can mess someone up.  I have trust issues, I'm insecure, I just want to be loved.
I'm going to stay in Colorado until the end of July, and then I am going to move to Charleston, and I am going to move there for me.  No prerequisites. No pressure. No hard feelings. Just love. I like that. Just love. And Freedom.
Live Free - Breathe Deep.  I gotta take my own imprinted advice more often.

And that whole relationship thing? I'm just overreacting. I wouldn't get out of it for the world.  Long distance isn't my thing, but I am certainly willing to try.  I've made it a month so far, let's see if I can do two more.