Healthy and Sane

Sometimes we just need help right?  Some accountability for our actions, or just someone to put their arm around you and tell you its ok.  Its one thing to be healthy in body - with respect to eating, weight loss, how you look, blah blah blah, but its another huge thing to be healthy in mind and soul.  How you really feel about something, how mindful you are being with respect to your emotional health.  What you are feeding your body should help to fuel you, make you have a better day, be more alert, and more responsive. Your body is going to look however it chooses to look, its your job to take care of it. 
I've been pretty broke lately.  I have made $20 last me almost 2 weeks now.  Thank God Keysa filled up my gas tank, and I was able to buy some eggs, milk, yogurt, peanut butter, and bananas.  For the last week I was only driving to Hapa sushi and back, and living somehow on a diet of 1 free meal from Hapa and protein shakes (yogurt, milk, ice, protein powder, spinach, peanut butter, and random fruits from the freezer). I'm super skinny now, and can see and feel myself kinda wasting away.  I know its not good for me, but sometimes its just how life works itself out.
But that is the body side of health - I'm more concerned with the soul side of health.  I've been strangely miserable.  Not in a "Wow Anna, are you ok? You seem sad today." kind of miserable, more like I have been crying myself to sleep on occasion, and being super unhappy when I am in the car alone. I have been so stressed about Hapa, and learning that entire 89 piece menu with every ingredient for every item on the menu. Then, at work last night it got crazy busy and someone told me the wrong table number so I delivered a huge plate of sushi to the wrong table, introduced every item, and then they still ate it all! Even though they knew it wasn't there's. Well of course the person who told me the number didn't get blamed, that fell on me instead.  I broke down as soon as I got in the car last night.  I called 3 of my most important people in the world, (who were also in a good time zone) and Jordan, Heather, and Inch all didn't answer.  It made me think about it on my own.  Really figure it out in my head as I drove home with the music off. 
I decided this morning to get my butt in gear and really show them who I am.  I rolled in a bit early for the opening 10 a.m. shift and helped set up.  The lady who I was training with came in at 11:30 and decided it was time to major quiz me on things.  She started flying through Japanese words and asking me what type of fish they were and then rolls asking me to describe them to her.  Like rapid fire fast.  I don't do well under pressure like that, especially  not from a peer.  I shut down.  Suddenly didn't know any of them (even though I totally do). And started crying.  UGH! I hate when I start crying like that.  It always happens so fast and so easily! Well, she cut that quizing shit out and we hit the floor to greet our few tables.  I always do fine at that.  I'm great with the customers, they joke and laugh with me, I slam dishes on the table too hard, I pick things up the wrong way, I stutter when I'm talking sometimes, I spill water when I try to refill glasses, I somehow always drop their credit cards on the floor, and the customers love me. I was planning on taking that ridiculous test on Saturday, and it was just really starting to get to me.
WHY am I spending so much time training and learning how to work at a place that I will only be at for 4 weeks? WHY am I training for over 30 hours a week to get paid less than minimum wage for these hours with no tips? WHY am I working somewhere where the other servers treat me like I'm an idiot and think that their job is some of the hardest things in the world? WHY am I trying to work at a restaurant that is only going to give me maybe 3 tables during lunch and no dinner shifts? Training for over 2 weeks to only get 3 tables, which means about $20 in tips every shift after pay out? No thank you.  Jordan sent me a text message that said "Fuck them, you have your masters and its a damn sushi joint. Do not sweat the small stuff".  I'm so hard on myself, I always have been. This was not one of those time where I should be though.  Not the right place for any of my time and effort.
I worked today from 10 - 2, got a dragon roll for lunch, and went to sit at the bar to enjoy it.  I started thinking about quitting, and how I can just babysit for the rest of my month.  I started feeling so much better. Sweet, sweet freedom.  This was the answer.  I called Heather to clarify, and yes I had made the correct decision, I was ending my short term stay at Hapa.  I was supposed to come back in at 5 to train, but I told my manager I wouldn't make it.  I said (while trying so super hard not to freakin cry) a million thank you's for giving me the opportunity, and training me to be an excellent server, but this (and patted the menu) is just to much, and its not worth it to me.  I got to keep my shirt, my apron, and my book, so that was awesome, and then I had the rest of the night to play with Scarlet, clean, and do Insanity.
It actually was all in the plans though for me anyway I guess.  I will now be watching/hanging out with Scarlet on Mondays and Fridays all day so that the dad can have a break and Sam can feel good about who is watching her daughter. 
Healthy in mind, body, and soul.  I feel much better now.