Thank God for Good Roommates - Analyzing My Life

Seriously I am so lucky to have met Haley (even if it was through Craigslist).  She's really supportive and is always ready for a good conversation about how much we hate our jobs and would like to switch professions (she's a paralegal). We have a great time on the weekends, meet new people together, go to the beach, and watch episodes of Law and Order SVU. She also just gave me a bunch of nice hand me downs. Just pretty much freakin awesome.

An update on School.
I guess I never put two and two together until recently, but talking to my three sisters has really helped me put some major things into perspective.
I move way to much
The grass is always greener on the other side, so I move
At almost every place I have lived, I have been teaching high school
At every place that I have lived where I taught high school, I have been pretty much miserable.
Not miserable with the place that I am living, but with my job.
I continue to teach high school math, even though from my track record I have clearly been unhappy at each job.
Hilton, New York - Brisbane, Australia - Colorado Springs, Colorado - Santa Fe, New Mexico - Charleston, South Carolina.
That is 5 different City/States where I have been totally unhappy with my line of work.  Wait a minute, its not the place that I am living that's the problem, its my job! Maybe its me that's the problem, but lets be serious, I probably should not teach high school anymore.

So at Burke, I am basically a babysitter.  My students don't stop talking for even a minute and I can't handle it.  They are basically walking all over me, and I am doing nothing really to stop it. Its funny, I'm kind of just over it. I really wanted to quit again on Friday. Its interesting how overwhelmed I get at school. Or how overwhelmed I get in life in general. I am going to hang on until the end of the year at this school though.  It would be a terrible life decision to give up one month in. But hey! I made it a whole month. Only 9 left! I can do this.  And the Spring will be easier.  Fuck this school.  Sorry for the language, but screw caring SOOO much about the kids that don't give a shit at school.  I need to focus on the few that do care and pay more attention to them.  The only way I am going to make it through, is to make it through.  I can do this! Just think about today as my sister Angela said this morning.  Day by Day and then I will get there.  My next day off is October 26th.  Day by Day until then, and then the next thing I know it I will be seeing family for thanksgiving.  Time to go play outside with Haley, and then make a collage of our pictures so far :)

Not Giving Up

 I just sent this message to two of my dearest friends from New York who do not know each other. I had planned on writing something totally different for this entry, but then after I wrote this, it kind of summed it up for me in a much more Annaesk way. I hope everyone out there can relate in some way, and that you too have a support system going that never lets you give up, and keeps you going strong.


Dear _____ and _____
So I was just thinking, and procrastinating starting my school work, and updating my blog... But anyway, I was thinking about how awesome you both are in life in general and what you do. And how you are both amazing photographers who are trying to get gigs set up and actually get your work out there. And you both live in New York (where I will never be moving back to by the way). And you maybe need a support system, or maybe just someone who is going through the same hard times as you, and maybe has some advice or has heard of something that the other person might be interested in. OR maybe you could become friends and start something awesome together, and then be awesome at it, and do awesome things, and make awesome art (for me of course to put on my wall since it is white and boring and you both know that is not my personality at all).

But basically what I am saying is that I have been having a really hard time at my new job, and I want to quit at the end of most days, and don't even want to go to school at the beginning of all other days. And the only reason I am still going and not giving up is because I have a good support system down here of people that I can talk to, and bounce ideas off of, and keep me going. Other wise I would not still be going and be teaching high school math, which is exactly what I want to do.

I just want you both to be able to do exactly what you want to do and went to school for 4+ years for, and I know a friend with the same ideas/ goals would help.

So become friends and make it happen. Then come to SC and take awesome pictures of me... I mean the beautiful scenery and the ocean and the old buildings and the alligators!!

I miss you both and hope this made you smile that I'm thinking about you on a Saturday morning:)

UnnecessaryRoughness

Sometimes what you think is your goal is not really your goal at all. What you believe you are setting yourself out there to accomplish isn't anything obtainable for you.  Maybe it is obtainable, and conquerable, and attainable, but not satisfying.  You get there to your final destination and find yourself unsatisfied, and sadly unhappy also.  That void in which you have been trying to fill for any given amount of time is still empty. And here you are, alone. Alone and unhappy.  What was your original goal?  Are you covering it up by what you are now portraying? Are you showing an image of yourself that is untrue?

I keep crying at school.  haha funny right? Not so much.  Yesterday I was seriously, honestly, and totally bullied by another teacher.  She knows I'm a first year and that I truly have no idea what is going on, or how to do half of the things that they are asking of us. She also knew that I had first period and that I was not ready for it.  Yet she kept coming at me while in her office and telling me that I couldn't walk out.  She kept telling me all the things that I need to be doing and what I need to be doing better.  I was literally sobbing at this point, at about 7:55 in the morning, ten minutes before I had first period.  It was like she was enjoying it.  Normally I can be a big tough Anna, but not yesterday morning.  Yesterday I was just a big old overwhelmed baby.

What was my goal in becoming a teacher?  I feel like I have been reassuring myself for the last 7 years that this is really what I want to do.  I HATED my four student teaching experiences.  I remember at certain times during each one that I really hated it and did not want to become a teacher anymore.  I said that after substitute teaching too.  But then I went and got my masters in education. And now here I am teaching.  Teaching in a failing school that is projected to shut down at the end of next year because students are making any progress in their education.  Its not like I am one of the Teach for America people who were stuck in the school.  I chose this school.  Is this really my goal to be here?

When I cried during school this week, each time I took a look at myself and knew I was not upset about what was actually in front of me.  There is something else.  Something that I'm hiding from myself.  My goal now is to figure out what that is.  Figure it out and do something about it.  I'm clearly missing a part of me right now.  Athletics? Being outdoors? Being spunky and crazy.  I miss it.

I think I am going to leave this summer and go to another country for a month or so.  Go back packing somewhere.  Maybe someone will come with me?  I feel like I still have a lot to figure out and get better at.  Maybe I should have become an elementary teacher.  Maybe I shouldn't be a teacher at all.  If things don't get better in the next few months than I am definitely not doing this next year.  I shouldn't be unhappy all the time.  I have always told myself that I would not be like those people who work at a job that makes them miserable.  I also hate bringing my work home with me.  Wouldn't you?

Life changes bring up a lot of emotions.  Its been a while since I have had any stability in my life.  I wonder when that will come.  First I should probably figure out what stability is.  Find what is bothering me and meet it face to face.  Life is to short and is going by too fast for unnecessary roughness.

Moving on and moving Forward

There are so many things I enjoy about being here.  Even though its about 1000 degrees outside with 200% humidity, I still like being out there.  The trees are super cool, and the wind blowing through them is amazing. The sunsets are always phenomenal.  Worth it every night.  I am excited to spend my first late night outside looking up at the stars, listening to the wind, and feeling more and more at home.

Friday morning during my first period I met the interim math department head since we do not currently have one.  He is some guy from the district office who was apparently a teacher for 30 years.  Now he is the guy that comes into your classroom to observe with a huge clipboard and marks all of your smallest weaknesses wrong so you can correct them.  Well, I was taking my students out for a water break (Yes, I lined them up and walked them down the hall like they were in 3rd grade because that is how they were acting) and while I was in the hall I met the guy.  He introduced his big bad self and asked how I was doing.  I know, I know, sometimes I am too honest, but I told him I am taking it day by day, and it is getting better everyday (even though we were supposed to have turned in lesson plans for the next two weeks by last Monday.  What are they going to do? Fire me?) Well he lectured me on using the wrong book, and then lectured me on teaching the wrong topic right now.  REALLY! No one has helped me or even told me where to start, so guess what I did? Started at the beginning of the book I was given! I started to cry in the hallway right there... Woops. I walked back into class fanning my face and for the first time my students connected with me.  Instead of being little ghetto 9th graders who have to act all tough cause they need to save face, they talked to me like they were normal teenagers.  It was awesome.  They took their quiz with an average of 90% and were on their way.
2nd period was also amazing.  Yeah, half my kids were missing, but that is my WORST class. They talk as if I am not even there in the classroom.  On Thursday when we were supposed to be reviewing, there was one student on the class phone and another next to her standing on a desk. Did I mention that I have a special education teacher in that class? Yeah, she was standing right next to them and didn't say anything... Awkward for me when I got called down to the office to explain why my students were repeatedly calling.  But even Friday was better.  They had a little lower average on their quiz, but that is because they are the lower class.  They still all passed :)
4th period which is 17 males and 2 females was also really good.  I had tried to explain the topic of points, lines, and planes on Thursday, but they were a bit confused and lost through the powerpoint.  I started acting like I was playing football on Friday though and ran back and forth across the front of the room asking if my lines were coplanar and if the people in the audience were lines or points.  What about the goal post? Does that intersect the field?  AND I was having fun. It was a really good day.  Their average was high 80s, so sweet.  I even had a kid, one of the special ed kids, get a 100.  Thats a good feeling.
Well I have a 2 hour break in the middle of the day because 3rd period is my planning and then lunch. Classes are 90 minutes.  Well, that dude I was talking about before?  He took up my entire 2 hours talking to me.  Some was awesome and very helpful, the other parts where he was repeating repeating repeating himself and forgetting where he was going with his story were pretty annoying.  But I figured out what I am supposed to be teaching this week!  So planning for two of my classes only took about 3 hours just now instead of the normal 15 :)

On Friday I FINALLY got paid.  I was able to pay all my bills, and I still had some left over, so I decided to have a really fun filled and worry free weekend.  I was able to buy a real drink at happy hour with the other teachers, and even splurge for a real meal, not just the cheapest appetizer.  I even bought myself a coffee grinder :)
Yesterday I finally was able to enjoy the beach.  I bought an awesome chair, that is really for your back porch, but I figured I would use it for multiple things being that I have a back porch.  I got tan just like a lobster, and am ready to get maid fun of by all my kids who have never felt a sunburn before.  Things are looking up.  I can't wait til I can start leaving school before 7.  As long as I focus then I will be able to do it!  So back to focusing and writing my geometry lesson plans.  And making it fun and interesting so that I can keep bonding with my students.