UnnecessaryRoughness

Sometimes what you think is your goal is not really your goal at all. What you believe you are setting yourself out there to accomplish isn't anything obtainable for you.  Maybe it is obtainable, and conquerable, and attainable, but not satisfying.  You get there to your final destination and find yourself unsatisfied, and sadly unhappy also.  That void in which you have been trying to fill for any given amount of time is still empty. And here you are, alone. Alone and unhappy.  What was your original goal?  Are you covering it up by what you are now portraying? Are you showing an image of yourself that is untrue?

I keep crying at school.  haha funny right? Not so much.  Yesterday I was seriously, honestly, and totally bullied by another teacher.  She knows I'm a first year and that I truly have no idea what is going on, or how to do half of the things that they are asking of us. She also knew that I had first period and that I was not ready for it.  Yet she kept coming at me while in her office and telling me that I couldn't walk out.  She kept telling me all the things that I need to be doing and what I need to be doing better.  I was literally sobbing at this point, at about 7:55 in the morning, ten minutes before I had first period.  It was like she was enjoying it.  Normally I can be a big tough Anna, but not yesterday morning.  Yesterday I was just a big old overwhelmed baby.

What was my goal in becoming a teacher?  I feel like I have been reassuring myself for the last 7 years that this is really what I want to do.  I HATED my four student teaching experiences.  I remember at certain times during each one that I really hated it and did not want to become a teacher anymore.  I said that after substitute teaching too.  But then I went and got my masters in education. And now here I am teaching.  Teaching in a failing school that is projected to shut down at the end of next year because students are making any progress in their education.  Its not like I am one of the Teach for America people who were stuck in the school.  I chose this school.  Is this really my goal to be here?

When I cried during school this week, each time I took a look at myself and knew I was not upset about what was actually in front of me.  There is something else.  Something that I'm hiding from myself.  My goal now is to figure out what that is.  Figure it out and do something about it.  I'm clearly missing a part of me right now.  Athletics? Being outdoors? Being spunky and crazy.  I miss it.

I think I am going to leave this summer and go to another country for a month or so.  Go back packing somewhere.  Maybe someone will come with me?  I feel like I still have a lot to figure out and get better at.  Maybe I should have become an elementary teacher.  Maybe I shouldn't be a teacher at all.  If things don't get better in the next few months than I am definitely not doing this next year.  I shouldn't be unhappy all the time.  I have always told myself that I would not be like those people who work at a job that makes them miserable.  I also hate bringing my work home with me.  Wouldn't you?

Life changes bring up a lot of emotions.  Its been a while since I have had any stability in my life.  I wonder when that will come.  First I should probably figure out what stability is.  Find what is bothering me and meet it face to face.  Life is to short and is going by too fast for unnecessary roughness.