Blogging from Steamboat

Keysa and I are in Steamboat Springs Colorado. We slept in a tent for the second night in a row and froze our butts off!! We went to Strawberry Park Hot Springs this morning and are now enjoying coffee together in the sun:)

Taking a break from the Social Scene

I've been told and have noticed myself that my activity on facebook has become to lengthy.  Why look, its 7 pm on a Friday and I'm on my laptop.What is this?!?! A catastrophe is what!! Therefore a break from facebook is what I will have, and I will enjoy it :)

 I just went for a long walk with Sammy and Scarlet in the stroller to check out an apartment to sublet for the summer.  It was cheap, and cute and small, but smelled! So, no apartment for Anna.  That was a clear sign that I should just stay here for the summer. A big, clean, non-smelly apartment for me to sleep in, and perhaps set up a bed out on the porch. It should hopefully be nice and peaceful and give me tons of time to think clearly and concisely. Even look out at the stars. 

I think tonight I am going to go out to Wash park, or up onto the roof.  Chelsea should be home with her family later, so maybe we will even go out to downtown Denver. Still not sure.

I found out today that my New York State Teaching License will transfer to South Carolina.  That's pretty dang awesome.  I just gotta fill out some lengthy application and then pay a small fee (instead of taking 4 tests that each cost 100$) and get fingerprinted and an FBI check.  Way easier than what I thought I was supposed to do.  I'm really excited about moving down there.  I'm glad that my plans after undergrad of moving to one of the Carolina's to get my masters is finally coming true. Except that I already have my masters, so that makes it way better! No more homework for Anna! Except when I have to assign it to my students and then grade it... But that's high school level math.  No big deal. I can't wait to play beach volleyball! There's a lot that I'm excited about.  If I go to Wash park right now I could probably jump in a volleyball game, that's a good idea. 

Back on track

I just read someone's facebook status that said "Life never asked me what I wanted."

Really? It is supposed to ask you? Like "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to get this job that you're applying for?"  I feel like Life would have a deep but creepy voice. hmmm  I don't know about this status though.  If you want something you should go get it.  Move to a new place for it.  Try harder to get it. Play harder.  Work harder.  Want to be in shape? You have to work at it! Everyday! Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Consciously decide to not have extra snacks before bed... everyday. Once in a while may be necessary for sanity purposes.  I don't know, I've worked so hard I have never even thought about asking Life for what I want.  Well not true, yesterday I was walking with Ava and it started to drizzle. We were still on the other side of the park and I basically begged for the rain to not come.  We got lucky and it held off til later.  Ava had just finally fallen asleep, and I would have been so sad to see her get wet with cold rain.

I think its different with religion, and praying, and talking with your chosen "higher power". Now while currently I do not have a higher power of choice, and I don't pray so often, and church is not in my realm of weekly actions, I still know that religion may have some insight into Life taking into consideration what you want.  I learned that whatever is supposed to happen to you will, and if you are a good person, do good things, make tons of sacrifices, don't eat an hour before mass, no meat on Fridays, say your prayers before dinner, and always put others before yourself, then Life will work out in your favor.  Now, I haven't quite seen that work out successfully for anyone yet, but its what I was taught.  I like the idea of asking for things that you want, and saying thanks for them before they are even there. Being grateful for what you do not even have yet, and then unexpectedly they may turn up without you realizing it. I like that idea.  But Life is just supposed to ask you what you want? No way! You need to do the work and put in the effort.  Make it happen.

It turns out for the Charleston County school district that I have to reapply. By tomorrow. But they should have about 100 job openings next week, so I am pretty pumped about that!

*The Mile High City*

I am now a part of Denver and therefore a part of this mile high city.  Aside from learning what it really was that was making me so upset last week, I have accomplished a great deal since I have gotten here.  I am now the newest server at Hapa Sushi in Greenwood Village. Its a sushi bar, and is very nice, modern, and sophisticated. Its right near the Denver Tech Center, so my guess is there should be some people who actually are making some money coming in to tip me! Its also right next to an Irish Pub. Perfect.  This will be a new a fun experience, and hopefully I get to eat lots of good sushi all summer! That's the big hope, save money on food :)

The best thing that has happened to me so far is going up to the roof of Sam's apartment.  Sam and Chelsea have been letting me stay on their couch for the last week, and I have loved every second of it.  It is so nice to be able to hang out with Sam all the time again, its like we haven't missed a beat. We've already gone on 2 runs this week, and she is even pushing me! Its amazing. Monday we went onto the roof of her apartment after our run, and did a mini crossfit workout.  Push ups, squats, and jump rope; all while looking out to the mountains which were beaming because the sun was almost completely down.  Chelsea is right, she and I are quickly also becoming two very good friends, she even said she is going to be super sad when I leave!

Back to the roof.  Oh my gosh its amazing. Romantic dinner amazing. Dance party amazing. Star gazing amazing.  The first time I went up there was last Wednesday after my semi major break down.  Sammy and I just sat up there, talked it out, and looked out into a much bigger world than just the two of us.  Its so important to remember that there is so much else out there, you are just one small piece in the equation.

We also went up there to watch the eclipse.  Watching three good friends and a small baby smile away while dancing to MGMT really made a lasting impression.  Chelsea yelled out over the other apartments "I love this!!!" and its right.  Look where we are in the world, its priceless.

I'm trying my best to keep my things out of the way, and work on not hurting other peoples feelings.  What is up with feelings? And emotions?  It seems like people don't so much mind anymore about other people and just think a lot more about themselves.  A lot more about what will make things more convenient for them, or so they can have a better time.

For example, text messages. Now I remember the exact moment in the car on John Carl Road when my brother Andrew told me 'He will never get into the texting phenomena'. "I just dont get it" he said, "Why is it so hard to just pick up the phone and call someone.  If I want to talk to them, I would just call." He retracts that statement now that he sees how important and vital texting is in the 21st century, but still, why is calling so hard? Or just taking the 5.6 seconds that it takes to send a text message? (that is an average calculation, but I timed a bunch of my messages and this was the mean time). Its so hard when you are waiting for someone to call you back, about information for a party, directions, or plans for the evening, and you just hear nothing.  Or maybe you want to say good night to a certain someone, so you shoot them a text, and even still in the morning there is still no response.  I don't get it, it only takes a few seconds to make someone else feel better and more secure. Enough about my own personal problems. the root of the equation is coming.

Last night I was sent a text that an excellent girl friend needed girl advice.  I jumped on the phone and called her ass back. He told her to text while he was away on a business trip, so she did, and 4 days later still no response.  4 DAYS! Geez and I'm worried about 1 day.  I told her to punch him, but that didn't seem like the best solution. What does this mean, this no response method? His phone broke? He really doesn't have time? (cough bull shit) He is taking the easy way out and not talking to her in hopes that she'll go away? (grow some balls dude!) What the heck? It takes two seconds to text!  I like how she put it though, "I am needy and I know that, and I am very up front about it" Damn, good point. Girls are needy. Most anyway. Sometimes you just need a freakin text! "Hey I'm real busy today, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you.  Have a great day and I'll call you when I get the chance"  I've sent messages like that. wow 7 seconds to type that. I'm messing with my average here.

Anyway.  This mile high city is amazing and has amazing people in it.  I have already added to my list of excellent friends.  New girl friends that will stay with me for a life time.  There are more adventures to come, and less stress to follow.

Sometimes you just know

Its funny hearing my dad say that to me on the phone, 1800 miles away, sitting in his office in NY, in between yelling at the dogs to stay in the yard. I can picture when my mom knew, sitting in a dorm room at RIT, my dad playing a sweet tune on his bass, and my mom feeding him popcorn by the handful. That is one of my favorite memories of my masters, when my mom came to visit me and she told me what it looked like 40 years ago when she was at school there.  The building I was taking classes in was just being built, and the dorm she was in is still exactly the same.  The smile on her face while reliving the memory was really a great moment in my life.
Sometimes you do just know.  My dad gave me one of his mini inspirational lectures this morning, telling me to look at the big picture and not what is just in front of you right now. Look at where you are, but also all of the wonderful people and things in your life. Maybe something is scaring you right now, or making you very sad, but try to look at the bigger picture.  Its ok to be sad, and maybe in disbelief that certain things are happening not like you had expected or want them to happen, but life is really great.
Life really is just great.  Even when you have a $614 school loan payment, it will work out.  Who gives a shit? As my dad says about my loans.  Who cares if I have to pay them forever by lowering the payment.  I'm going to just enjoy things as they come.  Enjoy things right now. I am in a great situation, and I need to appreciate it.  I know a lot of people that are in great situations.  Watching my friends fall in love out in Horseheads. Learning that another just got tenured up in Saranac Lake. Beautiful baby girls are growing up so great.  Selling your motorcycle for more than you thought you would get. So many great things happening. It just makes me smile. 

And yes dad, you're right. Sometimes you do just know...

Sometimes all you need is chocolate

Or to go on an awesome run.  Lungs burning. Heart pumping. Legs moving far faster than normal. Getting out all the unexpressable emotions that are trying to make themselves prevalent in everyday life. Then you get home and realize you've ran 4 miles which is farther than you've run in more than a year.
Sometimes all you need is to have a good day.  A day where things really seem to go right.  Perfect amount of sun and shade, weather that is just the right amount of wind and warmth.
Or maybe you just need a call from a best friend. Your first friend in high school and forever a best friend. 
Maybe that's just what I needed.

Experiencing the Extraordinary

This may or may not turn into a huge cycle of venting with these next lines that I type.  I have been trying to write it down in my journal but I have been having trouble picking up a pen.  Ava is asleep in her crib right now.  This sweet sweet baby who's sole goal in life is to eat as much as possible, sleep as much as possible, stare at things, poop right out of her diaper, and wait to pee until I am changing her, every time.  I've been spending all day with her since Monday.  Yup, this is day 4, and I already feel it.  This is why I didn't want to become a nanny when I came out here, the seclusion.  I spend so much time thinking about my future, money, loans... the list goes on.  The rest of the time I am signing, talking, dancing, and signing some more with this 6 month old baby.  I bet she could pick me up a guy in two seconds.  Its obvious that I didn't have her myself, all the other moms that I have met walking have noted how there was no way my body could look like this so soon.  I think they are just jealous of my knee socks. I bring her to the coffee shop, and for walks around the park, but who do I end up talking to? Mostly myself.  She isn't looking at me half the time, so all the words that are flying out of my hands become a conversation with myself.  She is too busy loving the outside world and all it has to offer.
It seems like things right now are just building up and up and up inside me.  I spent way to much time alone and dwelling in my own thoughts, that now I am having some trouble expressing them.  This summer was supposed to be about having a blast with my girl friends.  I saved up just enough to almost get me by, as long as I have a job. Well, its like plans can never go as they are supposed to, and I get caught going 12 miles over the speed limit, for an extra 200 dollars and 4 points, and then apparently I talked for 743 minutes on our 700 minute plan. The total for the month was 988 minutes, for a total bill of 295. Shoot me. And it was just as I was in the car starting to feel really down and shitty when my mom called me to tell me the verizon news.  That was the end of it, the flood gates opened.  Why am I even in Colorado right now?  I don't have an apartment, my school loans will start pouring in next month.  I don't have a real job. I'm supposed to be a grown up. I am unhappy right now.  The one person that I wanted to call who I thought would support me and just tell me that it was going to be ok was at work with his phone off.  I don't know if I can do it.
I don't know if I can hold on and stay strong, when it seems like the other side of the equation isn't reassuring me.  What happened to all the good times? I remember every second of every moment and how happy I was. Its like something is attacking me inside and I don't know how to battle it.  I want to go to my friends for help, but its so hard, and I don't want to put all of this on them. I don't want to be miserable all the time when this summer was supposed to be so different.  I guess I didn't plan on getting in a relationship. Maybe I should get out of it. I don't think I can do it.
I don't think I can stay strong and put in 110%. That's what it takes and I know that. I don't know what to do. I keep saying to myself that I want to go home, but what does that even mean? I just want to move somewhere and start my life.  Be established somewhere.  Make some friends who are interested in exactly what I am interested in. Play sports. Go running.  Do yoga. Meditate. Read good books, And Drink good coffee. I know a few places where I could start. I could pick up and go there and start my life, get a sweet job, meet some awesome people, be happy and fine. One of those places is Charleston.  It would be so amazing to move there. I have looked into it so much and checked out their school system, which is awesome. The night life. The people. The living situation.  It would all be great.  Get my own sweet ass apartment, decorate it with things I already have.  Buy a comfy bed.  Meet my next door neighbors. Start throwing sweet ass parties. Get in great shape. Feel great about myself. Maybe even fall in love. Everything would not go as planned of course, as things never do, but look at what I've done so far?
I moved to Australia and didn't know a soul. I instantly had two best friends, within a week met an amazing guy, by the end was blessed by a third best friend, and over 4 months met and made so many other friends by just being me.  They weren't even people in my program or people in my building.  I met them out, on the beach, the bars, running, flirting... And I did it on my own.
Got into a masters program where I didn't know anyone, didn't know sign language, and all anyone around me did was sign. I met some awesome people, got great grades, even had a boyfriend who happened to be deaf so my skills greatly improved, and again made a best friend.
Then there is Colorado last year, where I drove across the country to be in a living situation where I would know no one and in 3 months I was cruising, partying, and snowboarding with some awesome people.
Same in New Mexico, I even got an extra job coaching track. Got phone number after phone number every weekend at every track meet. I was fine. And I was pretty dang happy.
I would love to start somewhere fresh. Make my life my own without things catching up to get me.  I like that I have friends all over the country.  I want more.
I want more. That just reminded me of the book I just finished reading.  A Million Little Pieces. Fucking Phenomenal.  I swear on purpose because I mean it.  Yes, Yes, the author was on Oprah and she called him out on the majority or the story not being true, but holy crap, its still such a good book! I'm reading the sequel now, My Friend Leonard, also amazing.  I recommend you to read both, in order, you wont be disappointed. And if you are then that's stupid.
I guess I'm just a little messed up.  I've been living my life, and have been through some stuff, stuff that can mess someone up.  I have trust issues, I'm insecure, I just want to be loved.
I'm going to stay in Colorado until the end of July, and then I am going to move to Charleston, and I am going to move there for me.  No prerequisites. No pressure. No hard feelings. Just love. I like that. Just love. And Freedom.
Live Free - Breathe Deep.  I gotta take my own imprinted advice more often.

And that whole relationship thing? I'm just overreacting. I wouldn't get out of it for the world.  Long distance isn't my thing, but I am certainly willing to try.  I've made it a month so far, let's see if I can do two more.

Internal Struggles

I couldn't tell you how many times I have given people advice, or shared stories from my experiences in hope that I could help someone make a better decision themselves.  I think I am not the best at taking peoples advie though.  I love getting it though, and sitting down with friends and discussing things that we feel are of importance to us.  For right now the thing that seems to be popping up the most is relationships.  It quite possibly could be the only thing thats been talked about lately in all reality.  I'm head over heels for someone and just drove, by myself, in the car for close to 40 hours.  Now that is a lot of alone time with yourself.  So what do I do? Day dream. Wild, crazy, awesome, amazing day dreams. I basically planned out the next 20 years of my life and a million different ways on how everything could work out.  I just got some really good advice though... Be careful setting your expectations so high. You could end up setting the bar so far up that when reality happens, and has the potential to be perfect and amazing, you will still not be satisfied because it doesn't add up to that extra oridanarily amazing expectation that you had planned. Be happy with what you have and the opportunities that present themselves to you right now. And then when the time comes for those awesome amazing planned out things to happen, be happy with them. And if the time is right, and the person is right, then it will be perfect.

I always think so far in advance! Sometimes I really wish I would keep my mind in the here and now, but boy oh boy is that tough.  I know this summer is going to be so fun, but I really I just want to get going to the amazing stuff that I know is in store for me... I know its out there waiting and it is all just going to work out! And it is going to be great! so great.

Right now is great.  I'm at Sammy's alone with Scarlet. I figured Chelsea and Sammy should get some grocery shopping done alone.  Scarlet just woke up from a nap and now is dancing around the living room with me to Florence and the Machine. She's coloring and playing with her play set.  Its a perfect arrangement really, and I am so happy here with her.  I really should open up my own day care.  I just need an outlet to the outside world too... I just read an awesome email from Jordan, who should hopefully be surfacing in a day or so, cross your fingers! And tonight I am going up to Boulder to hang out with awesome people and celebrate a birthday. 

Take other peoples advice. Sometimes their advice may not be the best, but its good practice anyway.  Don't plan to much for the future.  Instead, just make your future happen. Make it the very best that you can, and I bet that will be pretty good

Metaphors

I'm excited to sleep in a real bed again. It is so nice here, and I am lucky to have friends like Sara. (their bed in the 2nd bedroom is basically like sleeping on a cloud) I hope in Colorado I have a real bed, not a couch or blow up mattress the whole time.  Did I ever tell you how important that is to me? I talked to Sara for a long time about it today.  What I want most in the world, other than a family and a happy marriage, is a bed of my own.  Over the last 6 years I haven't slept in the same bed for more than 4 months at a time, and never in those 6 years was it actually my bed.  Well, my bed at home is "mine" but it was passed down to me by an older sibling like 20 something years ago, so I don't think that really counts.  My beds in college were always some other college kids bed before mine, and my bed at my apartment that I had for a year, but moved home for 4 months during the summer, was also not my bed, it was someone's bed that they let me borrow.  So really my long life of beds is pretty non committal.  Sounds like a bad relationship. Wait, it is the same with my past relationships. 4 months was my longest, and probably the longest I've had a bed. Wow.  But I want that to change.  I want a real bed.  This summer will be my true test, and by the end of the summer I should know if I can purchase a real bed, my own real bed.  (I hope you are picking up my metaphor here...) But also the whole story about the bed is true too:)

Traveling

**Note** I took so many pictures, but they are on my i-product, and since I do not have wireless here I have no way of uploading them.  Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

So here I am in Missouri. I am at Sara's place in Rolla, its a super awesome apartment, two bedrooms, huge living room, great kitchen, two bathrooms, the works.  And probably pretty cheap too since we are in Missouri...

Traveling so far has been great.  I haven't written here at all because sadly, and honestly, I have been emailing Jordan so much that I just don't feel like typing any more.  I pretty much detail out my day for him and ask lots of (most likely annoying) questions, and talk about anything and everything.  Then I am done with typing and so my blog gets the short end of the stick.  Also, in case all you skeptics were wondering, I'm still going strong. Have faith in me!

Being at home is so rough for some reason.  I don't know why, but I just really struggle to be there. So I left.  I went to Albany/Ithaca/Cortland/Binghamton/Horseheads/Long Island for almost a week. Then I was home for only a day and left for Boston for three.  I love going to Boston.  I have the two best most interesting, funny, and awesome nephews. My niece is freaking adorable, and I could hold her and have her make faces and smile at me all day. While going to visit them is awesome, and I have my own room there, I also love hanging out with my sister, Angela, and Ben is great too.  We always stay up late talking and I share all of my stories with her.  Its awesome. I tried to convince her to talk to me about sex, it didn't work out as well as planned. I guess older sisters don't want to hear about their little sisters endevours.

I came home for about a day to pack up my life, and left again for Philly the next morning.  I got to spend two nights with Arin and Andrea, which again was awesome. I drove down and met them out with some of their friends, and then took the train to see Sean's band play at the World Cafe.  Super awesome place.  The band was amazing, I totally enjoyed it, and am now equipped with two of their cds to listen to on my journey.  The band is called Full Service, and I advise everyone to look them up and have a listen.  Each song is different from another, and they are all cool in their own way.  Sean plays the bass which is super cool and reminds me of when I used to see my dad play with his siblings.  Its been a while since I have seen that though.  I got to play whiffle ball the next day with the band which was SWEET! I can't wait to live somewhere and make friends and do cool stuff like that.  I guess they are always playing pick up games of soccer, volleyball, whiffle ball you name it, and I am just so jealous.  I had so much fun playing, and it made me miss organized sports really really bad. Even being on the road on tour these guys always make time to work out and have fun.  Exercising in different ways is so important, and it made me want to go to a plain old gym so much less.

I left Philly after a good night of hanging out with Arin (we didn't go out for Cinco De Mayo) and started my way across the country.  It was Sunday and apparently the camp site that I was planning on staying at was closed.  I decided to make it more fun for myself and instead drive when I wanted, take naps, and take long breaks.  I cruised through Pennsylvania, and then Ohio, and then West Virginia (which was like a flash), and then into Indiana.  I decided to sleep in my car at a rest stop on i-70 just outside of Indianapolis.  I think it was pretty safe, I didn't feel scared all night, and in a red prius next to me there were two people sleeping also.  I am assuming it was two girls because about every hour or so all night I would here the beep beep beep of their car being locked, but I never heard a door close.  Must have been scared that it magically unlocked itself during the night.

I woke up to a beautiful pink sunrise, and snapped a few photos with the truckers in the background.  I wanted to beat the traffic into Indianapolis so I departed and listened to a Stuart Woods novel on cd.  Oh Stone Barrington, you scandalous man you. I had an awesome time at a rest stop in Illinois where I did 5 rounds of push ups and dips on a bench, did a lot of jump rope, and read a bunch of my book.  I want to hula hoop during my next set of travels which begins tomorrow.  I was too embarrassed so far to do it, but I need to get over that.  I am not normally a shy or easily embarrassed person, but sometimes it just strikes me rough.  I drove sweaty the rest of the way to Missouri and here I am now.

Sara and I went to some wineries today and bought some awesome wine.  We drove into Herman, MO which is a beautiful place on earth. On the way we passed a turtle making his way across the road.  Yes, we turned around and I jumped out and saved the poor little guy. We are watching We Bought A Zoo, really great movie, and then waking up to do some sunrise yoga.  Then I have to hit the road.  Tomorrow is gonna be a long day.

To traveling... cheers